Trisha's Triple Tribulation

Quadruple Tribulation

2009-04-04T09:54:00.009-04:00

Is anybody still out there?
If so, take a breath...a nice, deep breath.

I am sorry to say, that it is no longer a Triple Tribulation.
It has Quadrupled.

Cancer has metastasized to the Fourth Sister...Lisa.

My Birthday Buddy, Lisa, was diagnosed this week with Breast Cancer.
How stupid is this?

I am numb.

Lisa is exactly five years younger than me.
She is 47 years old and way too young to face this battle.
Lisa's life has been filled with many challenges, but I know that she can rise to this occasion
and Conquer Cancer!

Lisa moved up from Florida to help care for Paula. She had been living with Paula until recently.
When Lisa found out she had Breast CA, she was still able to access her sense of humor.
Lisa, with a giggle, said to me, "I caught it from Paula."

So, what now brown cow?
Where do we go from here?
How do we muster up the energy to go through this...again?

Well, we're off to a good start.
The sistas supported Lisa in her first visit with the surgeon.
Gail, Debbie and I were there for Lisa and will be there for Lisa...always.

I will continue my journey through Cancer Land with my Birthday Buddy.

Again, it is not the trip I wanted to take...
and I would prefer to have traveled a different road...
but I guess I don't have a choice...
so here we go...
again.

Are you ready?
Fasten your seatbelts.
We're in for a bumpy ride and bumpy blogging.

White, White Wine

2008-10-05T18:45:00.027-04:00

Today is Sunday.
Another great Sunday.

Thank you God.

Yesterday I felt sick-with-a-cold.
Today I feel-good.
No headaches.
No pressure.
No bra.

Just a hang out in your worst/best sweats
and do a little of this
and a little of that.

Ooooo...
I just had a good idea.
I think I will take one whole day off from work to BLOG.
Like the old days...
but with a whole new twist...

A good twist.

Today I am cooking with wine.
Boy am I cookin'...and twistin'...with wine!!!

I am Tom Cruisin' around my kitchen.

Hummmm........
White wine is goooooooood.

Yes, I know Michele, you like Red...any Red.
I Love Red.

But...sometimes
White is Right.

If Neil Diamond and Bob Marley can sing about Red, Red Wine...
I can Blog about White, White Wine.

Anyway,
Tonight,
Sunday Night,
I am being very creative...
... with chicken.

Exotic natural-organic rice
mixed with a can of
all preservatives-additives-cream-of-mushroom soup
and steamed boneless slices of poor-little-chicken BREASTS.

Buzzzzz
A quick trip back to the kitchen.
The rice is al-dente.
The canned green beans are al-mushie.

Cooking with Wine is Fun!

Stirring the rice in beat with Rhiana,
while inhaling the scent of
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme.

Mmmmm...
The Spice of Life
right here...
in my kitchen.

Life is good.

The music and vapors
penetrate the house
filling it with
incense
reminiscent
of Sunday Mass at St. Helen's.

No church choir here.
Just me and Kiss 108.

A quick caress
of my
stove
dishwasher
and wall oven -
with a torn-T-shirt
and a can of spray cleaner.

Shiny-Stainless-Steel
What a turn on.

Cooking dinner with wine is great foreplay.
Try it.
You'll like it.

Who needs a whole day off to BLOG?

My best blogs were when I was just living
and letting my friends know
about ME ...
...living.

Today I am living...
and I am blogging.

A little Riskie Business Blogging going on.

But hey, that's ok.

I am having a little fun with Breasts and Wine

White Wine.
Healthy Breasts.

I'm Fine.
It's about Thyme!

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My Michele

2008-08-23T17:18:00.028-04:00

Michele, Ma Belle

These are words that go together well,

My Michele...

I would like to introduce to you, Michele, aka Sandcastle.

Michele was my best friend in grammar school.

We grew up together on Doris Ave in Norwell.

Her brother Mark, was my second boyfriend.

Her sister Mina was and still is my sister Gail's best friend.

Her brother Michael, was married to my sister Paula, when they were five years old.

Michele recently came back into my daily life via blogging.
Little did I know,
that someone so special to me when I was 10
would become dear to my heart at 50.

Memories of Michele:

Skating on Jacobs Pond

Bumble Bee Tuna Sandwiches made with Miracle Whip

Drawing at her Little Round Table

Playing in Puddles

Riding Bikes

Sharing My First Signs of Puberty

Fighting

Making up

Fighting

Laughing

New Memories of Michele:

Laughing at her comebacks to my blogs.

Crying at her words of encouragement.

Enjoying her sarcasm, wit, and sentiments.

Thank you Michele for being with me every step of the way while
I blogged my heart out.

Your daily routine of reading my blog was like a vigil to me.
I am grateful for your support and for your diligence in teaching me about
blogging my way through Cancer.

Me and My Michele

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Hi Everyone

2008-08-13T20:40:00.007-04:00

Just a quick note to say hi.
I guess I have been cheating by sending Joelle's excerts, but hey...it was for a good cause.
Don't chya think??!!

It's Wednesday night. Just had dinner with my 5 sisters, Maureen and Carol Draheim.

Carol is a friend of the family. We lived in a two-family house in Quincy with the Draheim's when I was 3, 4, or 5ish.

Earliest recollections:

Riding down the hill on Dartmouth Street on my tricycle; falling off my tricycle and really hurting myself. Not sure if I got stitches or not.

My first boyfriend...Lenny. He was Italian. Imagine, a boyfriend at 4 yrs old.

Eating a whole bottle of St. Joseph Children's aspirin and loving it.
Not only did it taste good...I loved the attention of having to be rushed to the Dr.'s office and having my stomach pumped.
Sicko that I was...am!

And Carol.

Beautiful Carol.

She is 72 years-old and she looks 50. She is one of the most beautiful women that I know.
Never ages.
Timeless beauty...like Anne.
Old beautiful souls.

Carol blessed me and my sisters tonight.; annointing us with oil and hugs.
I guess we needed it, eh?

We are blessed to have had Carol in our lives.
Our mother is gone, but Carol is here .
She reminds us of what is good and pure.
Carol speaks of Angels, God and of the Swanson Girls.

God is good.
God is Great.
Let us thank him for our food...and for Carol.
Amen.

Must get to sleep.
Tomorrow is my last day at work before our trip to D.C.

Looking forward to seeing Jenna.
Sad that I cannot see Joelle and my nieces walk the 3-Day.

However, my heart is big enough to spread between the two cities.

There's enough love to go around.
Don't chya think???!!!

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Paula's People Update!

2008-08-09T14:16:00.010-04:00

Newsflash From Joelle:

A new update on the fundraising progress of Paula's People!

Due to an overwhelming amount of response over the past few hours Joelle has reached her fundraising goal!

Thank you everybody!

Rather than exceed that goal we are hoping you can extend your generosity to the other team members of the Paula's People team, including Kristi (walking her 3rd 3-Day) as well as Jessie and Laura (both first timers like Joelle). In order to walk all four women must raise $2,200, a daunting and yet reachable goal with your help!

Please feel free to donate online at their sites and read about their individual experiences.

Kristi: http://08.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/BostonEvent?pg=personal&fr_id=1182&fr_id=1182&px=1358457

Jessie: http://08.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/BostonEvent?pg=personal&fr_id=1182&fr_id=1182&px=1522342

Laura: http://08.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/BostonEvent?pg=personal&fr_id=1182&fr_id=1182&px=2239662

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An Excert from Joelle's Journal

2008-08-09T10:08:00.009-04:00

Help me walk towards a cure...
Donate to Joelle!
Join Joelle's Team!
Paula's People
MY PROGRESS
Goal: $2,200.00Achieved: $1,958.00

3 days, 60 miles... help me get through the sweat & smiles!

Breast Cancer effects thousands of women each year and in my family, this past year alone Breast Cancer has taken a target at us, 3 times over.

My Aunt Paula, a 5 year survivor was re-diagnosed in August of 2007 with Stage IV, after she had just completed her 4th 3-Day walk.

Following Paula's diagnosis, my mother, Trisha, went in for her routine yearly mammogram in which they discovered a lump and she was given the diagnosis of Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

A month later, Christmas Day, my family was told that my Auntie Debbie, also my Godmother, had Breast Cancer.

These three sisters have joined together along with the constant support of their two other sisters and battled together through the past months.

It has been a rollercoaster ride, through numerous surgeries, endless treatments and mountains of medications, but we have all rode the ride together.
The strength, determination and endurance of my entire family has given me the inspiration to walk the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

In this amazing journey, I will join my cousin Kristi. a weathered veteran as she embarks on her 3rd 3-Day. Also, alongside me will be my cousins Jessie and Laura, who like me are walking their first 3-Day. The three of us will walk, forming 'Paula's People' in honor of our Aunt (Laura's mother) who continues to fight and inspire us with her zest for life and will to live.

Together we will also support each other through the sweat and smiles of 3 days, 60 miles.

So please help us in our efforts to raise money and awareness so that some day hopefully, families, like ours don't have to worry about Breast Cancer. Please donate to our cause and help me reach (and hopefully surpass) my goal of $2,200! Sweating & Smiling towards a Cure.

Love, Joelle

P.S. from Trisha...
Thank you to my friends and family that have contributed to this wonderful cause.
I am blessed to have you all in my life.
Unfortunately, I will not be able to watch Kristi, Joelle, Laura and Jessie cross the finish line.
Greg and I will be in Washington D.C. helping Jenna begin her own journey.
However, my heart and soul will be in Massachusetts with Paula's People.

You go girls!

xo
Me

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Joelle's Journey

2008-08-09T08:41:00.027-04:00

Hi Everyone!
Miss me?
I truly have missed my blogging, but duty calls.
Trying to make a living, reviving a relationship and getting healthy.
A girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. Ya know???!!!

Joelle asked me to post a blog about her own upcoming journey...The Breast Cancer 3-Day.
I think it only fitting that I use her words instead of my own.

So, in the words of my biggest supporter, I give you ...Joelle.

Hello Family & Friends - my amazing and generous supporters!

I can't believe it is a week away from the start of the 2008 Breast Cancer 3-Day! One week from today I, along with the Paula's People Team, will begin at Gillette Stadium on our 60 mile journey towards the finish line! It's starting to finally hit me that all the fundraising and dedication will pay off next week when I join thousands of other walkers in this incredible walk!

I'm starting to battle the pre-walk jitters and excitement between checking the weather forecast constantly (fingers crossed for cool, non-humid temps and no rain!), going over the packing and supply checklist and trying to squeeze in a few last walks to break in the new sneakers!
Speaking of new sneakers, when I went to Marathon Sports (who offers discounts to the 3-Day walkers!) there was another customer there being fitted for sneakers. We struck up conversation when she overheard me tell the salesman that I needed sneakers for the 3-Day. Having walked a prior 3-Day she began telling me a bit about her experience and also offered up some helpful tips and words of encouragement. I shared my family's experience with Breast Cancer over the past few years, more so this year and told her my reasons for walking alongside my cousins. Before she left, she came over and gave me some money for a donation and wished me the best of luck. I was so sincerely touched and impressed by this stranger's bigheartedness and generosity.

I have also been touched and impressed with all of my family and friends support, encouragement and most importantly your generosity. It may sound cliché, but without you this would not have been possible. With your help, I have raised $1800 dollars and donations are ongoing! If you still would like to donate, feel free to contact me or visit my walker site at http://08.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/BostonEvent?px=1764986&pg=personal&fr_id=1182. I can not even express how much your support means to me and it will definitely help me push through the sweat and smiles that 60 miles is sure to bring!

If anyone is interested, the 3-Day puts out a support guide for the supporters of the walkers! I have included the list of cheering stations and the location of the closing ceremony. Aside from my family's battle against Breast Cancer, this closing ceremony to the walk was what inspired me to become a walker! I highly recommend and encourage it! This year it's located on the beautiful waterfront campus of UMASS Boston so bring a picnic, chairs and signs and sit back and relax and watch the walkers (who can be highly entertaining in our various states!) and cheer us on as we take those last few steps!

Typically walkers begin crossing the finish line between 11am-12pm. In the past few years, the team, Paula's People has crossed between 1pm-2pm. Closing ceremonies begin at 3:30 and last usually about an hour. Anyone who would like to come, I'd LOVE to see you there or at one of the cheering stations along the way during the few days! I've listed all the locations at the bottom of this letter! I will also have my cell phone on periodically throughout the walk so please feel free to call as well!

Again, I thank you so very much for your continued support of myself, my family and Team Paula's People! And maybe, we'll see you next year with your sneakers laced up to join us on 60 miles! Yes, I haven't even crossed the finish line on my first 3-Day and I'm making plans for the second, perhaps in Denver or San Diego!

See you at the finish line!

Kristi (Team Captain!), Laura and Jessie are your feet ready!?!

Love, Joelle

I Kissed A Girl...

2008-07-19T10:06:00.042-04:00

I Kissed A Girl
and I liked it
the taste of her cherry chapstick...

Well I didn't really Kiss A Girl, but I have a funny story about the song.
(I love this song.)

I bought a new car last week.
A Toyota Matrix.

I went back to the dealership on Tuesday to have them fill my gas tank as promised.

I was wearing a halter style, flashy colorful dress, with bright orange platform sandals, a cute cropped cut, burnt orange, short sleeved sweater (to cover the fat, flabby upper arms),
and matching orange toenail polish.

You get the picture, right?

Ok, so there I was, thinking I looked pretty darn feminine.
I'm in the driver seat, and the car salesman gets into my car.

I Kissed A Girl comes on the radio.
I said, "I love this song" and I upped the volume.
He said, "Ya, it has a nice beat, but I don't like the message it sends my 16 year-old daughter."

I told him that personally, I think that some day we all will figure out that we are all bisexual. We are all capable of loving each other.
Hummmm...

Ok, so he fills up my tank.
We're chatting and then I said or did something stupid.
I blamed it out loud on my post chemo-brain.
He said, "Oh ya, I have Keno Brain too."
I said, "Oh no, I have Chemo Brain, as in Chemotherapy Brain."
"Ohhhhh" he said.

"Did you think I chose this haircut?"
He said, "Well, I thought you were...
ahhh... gay...
cuz ya know, you liked the song, Kissed A Girl and all."

He did admit that the dress and shoes threw him off!

I knew it!
All thoses stares were not because I looked good.
I look confusingly gay...
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
(Seinfeld, 1998)

I am just so proud and happy to flaunt my new look.
(Whatever that look may be.)

I finally have hair and not just fuzz.
I no longer look like Bozo. (At least I don't think so.)
Sarah at work calls me Mia.
I always found Mia Farrow to be beautiful, in an understated way.
So, I'll go with that.

Before, when I was wearing a wig, I looked like a transvestite.
Now I look gay.
But that's okay.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
Us girls are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist, so touchable
Too good to deny it
It ain't no big deal, it's innocent
so magical...

I didn't Kiss A Girl...and I am gay (as in happy!)
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Trisha, 2008

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A Very Nice Morning

2008-07-13T12:05:00.014-04:00

Today is Sunday.
I just finished having a very nice morning...
With Greg
My Greg
I love him.

We literally, practically, rolled out of bed, into Greg's truck, and headed for the beach;
Duxbury Beach.

We stopped at one of my favorite places in the world;
French Memories.
The beautiful, yet decadent pastries and the scent of dark coffee lingering,
while making our selection...
was tantalizing.
We chose Ham and Cheese Bechemels that were warmed to perfection.

Me, sipping on day old coffee from home
Greg, with his Dunkin' Donuts brew
and the beach as our view.

Ahhhhhh.....

The seagulls serenaded us as we drifted back to sleep.
The sun was our blanket, the surf was our lullaby.

Riley's licks to my nose awakened me.
Apparently she was bored and wanted to swim.

I sat in my blue sand chair and watched as Greg did
his Riley Thing.
He loves that dog
and he loves me.

He showed me today; Sunday morning.
He took me to the beach and he touched me,
literally and figuratively.

I had a very nice morning with three of my favorite things:
French Memories
The Beach
and
My Greg.

I am a very lucky girl.

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A Sneaky Post

2008-07-05T12:19:00.012-04:00

Hi All

I am sneaking in this post.
I am suppose to be doing laundry and weeding through my closet.
A dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

Jenna and I have plans for a pedicure at 3:p.m. followed by a trip to The Apple Store. Jenna needs a new computer for college, so here we go...again.

I am sooooo excited and nervous for Jenna.
Going to Gallaudet will be a HUGE undertaking for her.
Gallaudet is in Washington, DC. It is a school for the deaf and hearing impaired.

Jenna leaves in 10 days. She has one month to learn ASL (American Sign Language) and then she is integrated into classes that are taught in ASL. The classrooms will have an interpreter for one semester and then she will attend classes that are signed only.

I hope and pray that Jenna can rise to the occasion. I wonder if I have given her the skills she needs to achieve her goals. I am not sure that my job as her mother has prepared her for this adventurous intellectual endeavor.

Anyway...I must admit I had a Bloody Mary this morning. Perhaps I am self medicating, which I know, is not a good thing. Been there, done that. Don't want to go there...ever again.

But...I am now eating a Toasted Tuna Sandwich (with tomotoes) and so the alcohol is being absorbed. So, not to worry.

Poor Greg. He put his back out last Saturday and then he worked all week. He never gave his back a chance to rest, so he is in agony. He is a strong willed man and he never succumbs to pain. He will not take my advice to rest and he will not take any medication. I am trying to back off. It is hard for me when I cannot take control of a situation.

However, Greg does not want advice or help.
So, I have resorted to stroking him with kindness.
He has resorted to anger and sarcasm.
But hey, I've been there. (Sometimes I am still there.)
I will let him vent those negative emotions, just as I did/do.
I only hope that he will eventually come to my conclusions.

Life is short. Life is good. Forgive. Forget. Learn from our mistakes. Move on.

I have one bite left of my sandwich. My closet is awaiting my arrival.

My plan is to sort through all of those clothes that no longer meet my needs.
In other words, get rid of the clothes that make me look like shit.
My new do and my post chemo body have new requirements.
My scoop neck shirts are no longer suitable. Too much skin. My head is too small without hair. I appear very unproportioned.
Some of my size 14 pants just don't cut it. Jenna is constantly reminding me that I must make better choices. My shirts must always hide my FUPA.

The dryer buzzer is nagging me. My white plastic hangers await.
(No wire hangers per Joan Crawford.)

Sorry for the short and not so sweet post.

Better days and posts are a comin'.
(I hope.)

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Wednesday's Child

2008-07-02T08:00:00.015-04:00

Wednesday's Child is Full of Woe.

Oh sure. I had to be born on a Wednesday.
I am a Wednesday Child.
I am full of woe.
Woe is me.

Today is Wednesday.
I have the day off from work.
A personal day.

Today I get to go and have a repeat Chest Scan. Yipee.
Way back in January, pre chemo, I had many tests done to rule out any other cancers in my body. A chest scan showed that I had a very small spot in my lung. The doctors were not very concerned. Apparently this scan picks up anything and everything. The spot was small, so it could be residual of pneumonia or some scar tissue from a previous infection or...it could be the start of cancer. Today I am having the test repeated. I will see my oncologist next week for the results.

The good news is that I have the day off.

It feels like old days this morning.
Not having to get up and rush off anywhere.
Having my coffee in bed.
Greg left a thermos bedside for me.
He has been My Old Greg for the past 4 days and I love it.
I don't want him to go away again. I love his laughter, his smile, his affection.
God...please make it last.

I enjoy this luxury of checking my emails and most of all, I love checking My Blog.
Today I was surprised and overcome with joy when I read a new comment from SueAnn.
Her long comment made me full of woe and happiness.

Someone recently told me that I am very needy.
I was somewhat shocked when I heard this, because I always thought of myself as a very strong, independent little girl.
But, I agree. I am needy.

I am constantly trying to fill a void.
I feel that I get deflated often and I need to be pumped up.
I crave attention. I always have.
Even when I actually was a little girl.

I think that is why I wanted to be an actress. I want an audience. I always have.
So, where did that come from?

Joie Steele said it may have come from being a middle child (oh no, not that again.)
Or maybe, because I was one of five, I didn't get the attention I needed.

Whatever.

The fact remains.
I crave attention and affection.
Is that such a bad thing?

I guess when you are on the giving end it can be difficult.
Maybe it is draining to give to me.

However, may I please put this out there?

Yes. I am needy.
Hell. It feels good to get attention, compliments and love.
But...what I give back is 150%.

If you are my friend, you get soooo much back in return.

If I love you or even like you, you are rewarded with my terms of endearment.
And those terms are in your favor.
Believe me, you.

So yes, I am needy.
Aren't we all?
Some of us just put it out there.
Some of us may not think we are needy, but we are. We all are.
We all have a void that longs to be filled. Some of us recognize it. Some of us don't.
I happen to recognize my own and others.
I try to fill my void, but never, ever without reciprocating...150%.

To know me ...
and to truly love me...
is to accept my neediness.

I am full of woe, happiness and love.

Accepting me is accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And ya know what?
The bad ain't so bad.

It's all rather good.

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Forgiving

2008-06-28T18:43:00.033-04:00

I am so good at forgiving.

Huge Fight.
Big Sorry.
Forgiven.
Let go.
Move on.

I am very good at getting over being hurt, IF...
and that's a big if.

IF we talk about it...
and there are sincere apologies...
I can forgive and forget.

Hopefully some learning and growing takes place along the way.

I don't like to fight, but sometimes, it happens. It is almost necessary.
Anger is an emotion that needs to be shared. Usually it is shared through fighting.

I'm not sure why some people cannot forgive, forget and move on. Perhaps they were hurt so bad at one time that they just can't let go.
Maybe those poor people were never given the opportunity to forgive.
Maybe no one was ever sorry.

My father was good at apologies.
I was good at accepting his apologies, because I knew he really cared.

This was his first time being a father. He was doing the best he could do. His father probably did the best that he could do. Maybe it wasn't all that, and maybe my father wasn't all that, but he was my father and he was the best dad I ever had.

My father taught me how to apologize.
He made me want to forgive.
Forgiving felt good.

This is my first time being a mother.
Sometimes I am good at it.
Sometimes I suck. Recently I sucked.
I am sooooo sorry Jenna.

When I get angry and lose control, I don't like it.
It's not a good thing.

There are times when I get angry and it is good.
I state my feelings and I am in control.
I explain why I am angry.

Some of my anger comes from frustration.
Most of my anger comes from being hurt.

I just don't like it when anger overtakes me.

Recently I expressed my anger and it was received really well.
It was great having this exchange. Neither one of us lost control.

Recently, someone expressed their anger to me. It wasn't about me and I could have gotten defensive, but I didn't. I let him express his anger, which was a result of frustration. I didn't take it personally. This is a huge step for me.
I realized that this person just needed to vent.
So I...Just Listened.
Later, he apologized to me and I told him it was o.k. I understood.

My Social Work skills come in handy here.
I am a Social Worker at heart and I love this about me.
I just wish I could put my skills to use more often.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my kids and to my ex-husband for the horrible times when I lost my temper and expressed my anger inappropriately. I know I apologized afterwards and I hope that helped you.

I want you to know that my frustration and pain is what fueled my anger which resulted in my explosive temper. This is not meant to be an excuse, but just an explanation.

I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.

Today I apologized in person to Don, my pool guy.
I extended my hand and told him I was sorry for being rude to his secretary.
This handsome, big, rugged man hugged me and said,
"That's ok, I still love you."
How wonderful is that?
(I must admit that I did use my Cancer Card. I blamed my anger and rudeness on the Big C.)

Today, I am not so angry at having had Cancer.
I hope that I have learned something and I hope that I have grown.
I am still angry that Cancer is hurting my sisters, but I am talking about it and that helps.
I am not sure if the release of anger was a result of forgiveness. I am not sure who I need to forgive.

I am still working on the anger issue.
I think I am getting better.

I am always trying to be better.

Be a better mother.
Be a better sister.
Be a better friend.
Be a better girlfriend.

I do know that I don't have to work at forgiveness.
I excel at forgiving.

Forgive and forget.
Move on.

Life is short:)

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Life is Short

2008-06-22T15:16:00.044-04:00

Life is Short

We've all said it.
We all know it.
Now it's time to act upon it!

I first felt the urge to really live when I turned 50, which was one year ago this past February. I was psyched to enjoy the next decade, and I did; for the most part.

Now, one year later the term, Life is Short takes on a whole new meaning.

I have learned that I can't just let go of my responsibilities and my troubled relationships.

I know that I have to figure out which responsibilities I must have and which I can dismiss.

My relationship with Greg is a huge priority, so I will give it my best. Sometimes I get angry and even depressed, but as you all might already know, I always try to solve the problem.

Trying to solve the problem and enjoy life at the same time can be a challenge, but when have I ever run away from a challenge?

We are all met with challenges every day; some are harder than others.

Today my friend lost a loved one in a car accident,
while another friend realized the importance of enjoying life.

My own life could be lost at any time.
In five years my stupid cancer could return and I could die.
Or, I could die in a car accident tomorrow.

Horrible thoughts, but sorry, they are there.

In the meantime, I must try to enjoy life...NOW.

My problem is finding that balance between responsibilities and enjoyment.
Some days it is easier to find this balance.

Today I found it.

I had a great day.

I got a few things done and there was alot I didn't get done,
but I had fun.

I enjoyed life.

Today...

...I was greeted to this day with a wonderful smile and a cup of coffee from Greg.

...I had breakfast with Marianne. Always a good thing.

...I went to Walmart and bought brown paisley sheets so that I could be inspired to make my bed and clean my room. I bought lots of cards for my sister, Debbie. She loves getting cards and it's time for me to pay attention to Debbie. She needs some lovin'. She is in pain from her chemo. My poor Debbie. (I think it might be time for meatloaf.)

...I cleaned my bedroom. Jenna dusted. I vacuumed. My reward: new sheets.

...I had a great phone conversation with a friend who's on the same page as me. It's nice when someone else is reading the same book. We talked of being in our fifties and knowing that we must make ourselves happy, for life is short.

...I took down the wall of remembrance. You would think this wall would have driven me crazy, since I am so OCD, but it did the opposite. It comforted me. However, I no longer need to look at the reminders for appointments. I don't need to look at the special cards and messages. They are embedded in my heart.

...I made potato salad. Lots of potato salad.

...I made a Bloody Mary, which made making potato salad alot more fun!

...I listened to my favorite songs via my laptop while making potato salad. (Thank you Jenna for downloading these songs.)

...I cleaned up the kitchen with a nice little buzz.

...I sat on the front porch with Jenna and Greg. Jenna played Journey for Greg via lap top while I sat sipping my second Bloody Mary. We played fetch-the-golf-ball with Riley. Ah...The Life of Riley. This dog has it good!

Now, here I am, still listening to tunes and talking to you.
Damien Rice is singing the theme to Closer,
The Blower's Daughter.
I love this song.

Today I figured out the important things in life.
I let go of the anger and sadness.
I had fun.

Tomorrow, God willing, I will do more of the same.

Life is short...and good.
It's all good.

.

Radiation Recollection

2008-06-20T19:37:00.058-04:00

Today I graduated.
I received a Diploma and a Lollipop.
Best of all, I received a standing ovation from a small crowd of women that I have grown to love and admire.

After my last treatment they surprised me outside the treatment room. They clapped, cheered, and threw confetti. It was great.

For seven weeks these beautiful women have been part of a routine that I never, ever expected.

This Blog is dedicated to
This Place, These Women and This Moment in Time.

South Suburban Radiology...

...Very convenient, clean, and hospitable.
A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

This happy face greeted me upon my entry.
She never scolded me for being late.
She ordered extra Vanilla Snackwells...just for me.
Best of all, on my last day of radiation she said,
"We are going to miss checking out your outfits.
It was always fun to see what you were wearing."

Another wonderful receptionist.

And another!

I met some wonderful women while in the waiting room.
This is Nina (left) and Delores (right).
The three of us had a few giggles.
I will miss Delores and her Irish brogue, her sense of humor,
and her beautiful breasts!

This is me on the table. I would have to stay in that exact position (with my left breast exposed) for about 10 minutes.
Sometimes it felt like eternity, especially when I had an itch!

This is my view as I lay on the table.
My love for Dogwood Trees has taken on a whole new meaning.

My Radiation Therapists.
They never made me feel awkward or embarassed.
They were kind, personable and professional.

I will miss my RTs!

This is me, my perky left breast, my sagging right breast, and Leslie.
(Remind me later to tell you a nice story about Leslie and her hug.)

This is Alicia. I love Alicia. She was a student doing her training.
She told me I was her favorite patient. She gave me a beautiful card at the end of my treatment. We hugged and cried.
Alicia will be a great radiation therapist.

The end of treatment was spent zooming in on the former site of the tumor. I would lay sideways on the table (with my left breast exposed) and the girls would say,
"Strike a Pose."

Graduation Day
Me and The Girls

As you all know, my memory is baaaad. I can't remember all of the names, but I will remember these beautiful faces.
I do know that I am missing a picture of pretty, blonde Rachel.
I am also missing a picture of my sexy blonde nurse and lovely Dr. Thurman.
I am returning in six weeks for a follow-up visit, so I will do another photo shoot of these gorgeous women.

I didn't want another day to go by without paying homage to this place, these women, and this moment in time.

So...

Ladies,
Thanks for the memories.
You're the best!

.

Thank God

2008-06-19T21:22:00.023-04:00

Ok so today I am driving to my 2nd to the last radiation treatment and I think...

Thank God!

Literally, "Thank you God."

I apologize to God for not thanking him sooner.
How could I have gone on this long without acknowledging him?
How rude am I?

I don't spend too much more time with the gratitude because...well, just because.
But I do say thanks for getting me this far.

I have had so many times that I wanted to run home to my laptop and tell all of you about the wonderful things running through my mind.

Like yesterday.

I stayed home sick from work.
Very sore.
I treated myself to a few hours at the beach.
Resting.
It was absolutely wonderful.
Just me and my blue beach chair...and my I-Pod.
How cool are I-Pods?

The beach is my favorite place in the whole world and to have my favorite songs mixing with the ocean waves is...
heaven.

The sun on my face
the sand on my toes
and the lullaby of waves mixing with music is just the best.

I wanted to post a blog about my day at the beach, but when I got home from radiation yesterday I was consumed with responsibilities...again.

And today, that work thing got in the way.
Oh work.
It is hard.
I have to put so much energy into concentrating.
My poor peers...God Bless Them.

Today I got the best hug from my peer and friend, Doreen.
I love Doreen.
She hugged me and whispered to me that it is sometimes hard for all of them to remember that I am still battling this horrible disease, because I look so good and healthy.
Doreen let me know that her thoughts and prayers are with me.
I thank God that I can depend on this beautiful, smart woman to do her job and do it well...with me and without me.

I love little Cherie and her go get em attitude.
She is so brave, strong, capable and fast.
I Cherish my Cherie especially now since she has become my memory and my assistant.

Kathie is my challenge.
She is a Red Head...need I say more?
Kathie is good hearted and spirited.
She has kept me smiling with her awesome cards.
Kathie wishes me well and keeps me on my toes.

There is so much more I want to say, but it is late.
I must sleep.
But I did not want to go to bed without touching base with all of you.

I am so grateful to God for giving me these days that are filled with challenges and joy.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you the best part of my day.

Today I was told that my ass looked great!

Now let me tell you that it took 6 wardrobe changes this morning before coming up with this outfit that apparently made my ass look good.
However, it was worth the effort and aggravation.

It's all been worth it.

My hard work has paid off.

Thank God!

.

Carried Away

2008-06-08T20:11:00.031-04:00

So funny that Beth should mention Carrie Bradshaw in her last comment.
When I wrote the first two sentences of my previous blog, I felt like I was Carrie Bradshaw writing her column for Sex and the City.

Does one ever have the right to be a bitch?
Is anger turned outward, bitchiness?

Can't you just picture Carrie saying that as she types on her Mac, sitting by her bedroom window, smoking a cigarette?

Now picture this...Me climbing into bed, under my covers, laptop upon my thighs.
Greg beside me saying, "What are you doing?"
Confused (stupefied) by his question, I answer, "Checking my blog."
Like you should know this about me by now.
I am hoping he asks me to read it to him or asks me something!
Instead he rolls over and he is now snoring.

I will hold fast to the idea that tomorrow is another day.
Another chance for a connection.

Greg has told me many times that I have my friends and family to help me get through cancer. He thinks I don't need him.
I explained to him countless times, that he is more important to me and that I need him and want him.

It probably is terrible to see someone suffer and to fear their existence. Especially when you love this person and they are your only true connection.

Trisha, why are you writing in this tense?
Detaching yourself?

Let me rephrase this.

It must be terrible for Greg to see me suffer and to fear my existence.
Especially when he loves me and I am his only true connection.

I think Anonymous was right when she said that anger turned inward makes you passive, depressed and powerless.

Yes Beth, it would be nice to have Big rescue me.
Just like he rescued Carrie.

But right now my Big is busy, worried, tired, and lost.
I pray that Greg finds himself and me very soon.
And when he does...

I hope that he gets Carried Away with me...once again.

An Angry Bitch

2008-06-03T00:48:00.015-04:00

Does one ever have the right to be a bitch?
Is anger turned outward, bitchiness?

I'm not doing very well right now.
I just want to go to work and come home and sit by the pool and relax.
Just as I had planned.

Well guess what?
The best laid plans get screwed up.
I forgot about real life and responsibilities.
For a while I thought I could adopt that stupid philosophy of, Don't sweat the small stuff.
I hate the person that made up that saying.

The small stuff keeps you from enjoying life.
The small stuff gets in the way of being able to do the big stuff.
The small stuff and the big stuff is just too much stuff!

It is 1:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep.
I went to bed at 8:p.m. and forced myself to go to sleep. I awoke at 11:11 p.m. and here I am.
Not wide awake, but not ready to sleep.

I don't feel good.
I ache, inside and out.
My heart included.

I wonder if relationships can survive Cancer.

I am angry that people you need cannot rise to the occasion and love you and bend over backwards with patience and kindness.
I think I have done this and I wonder why it can't be done for me.

I want to stop. I am tired of fighting and of hurting; in Cancer and in relationships.
Most of all, I am tired of thinking so much.

I want to climb into a hole or better yet, I just want a simple life.
Free from having to do stuff and free from having to be something I am not.

I am not strong right now. I want someone to take care of me.
Is that too much to ask?
I want to be held, loved and comforted.
But supposedly, I am too angry to be given comfort and love.

How do I get over the anger of being disappointed?
I want very much to move on and to be loved again and nurtured.
If I cannot have that, then I want the solstice of solitude.

My limbs ache. My feet sting. My stomach hurts. I am hot. I am cold. I am fat. I am ugly. My breast, my poor-left-breast.

I am tired and overwhelmed with life.
I am an angry bitch.

A tired, angry, tearful bitch.

.

Granite Links, Leslie and Jeff

2008-05-28T20:37:00.064-04:00

OK, so I did not forget my date with Leslie and Jeff.
I just forgot which day.

I met Les and Jeff at Granite Links in Quincy today after my radiation treatment. This worked out quite well because the restaurant was just 5 minutes away from my daily pit stop in Quincy.

Our dinner date was for 4:30. I arrived at 4:05ish. Leslie is always punctual, so I knew I had time for a cocktail. I headed directly to the bar and proclaimed my order to the redheaded bartender. I am partial to redheads. It's not that I necessarily find them attractive (except of course for Joelle), I find redheads to be very interesting. I always wonder if they were faced with the same trauma I endured growing up with red hair.

Anyway, I ordered a glass of Chardonnay and I escorted my wine out to the terrace that was set high above the golf course. It was lovely. I was alone on a balcony overlooking Emerald City. In the distance was JH, where only two hours before I had been working diligently. Here I was now, glass in hand, absorbing and sipping the very essence of life and nature.

I tilted my head towards the sun and tried hard to absorb its energy. I shielded my chest with a napkin. The circumference of my poor-left-breast is yielding to the penetration of the daily rays. I resisted the urge to satisfy my itch. I am now considering wearing turtlenecks in summer. A true oxymoron in my eyes.

I decided it was time to go into the restaurant to meet up with my friends. I made a grand entrance into the dining room by dropping my wine glass. However, the shattering glass was not broken in vein. Two handsome men at the bar clapped for me as I smiled in embarrassment.
The bartender asked if I had any wine left in the glass.
I responded by saying, "Yes. I had one very good sip."
He graciously poured me a full glass of Chardonnay on the house.
Us redheads have to stick together!

I joined Leslie and Jeff at a table near a window overlooking the golf course. I wasn't interested in the view at that point. It was much more fun to look at Leslie and Jeff.

When Leslie talks to me she makes me feel like I am the most fascinating person in the world. She appears mesmerized by my stories and her eyes glisten as the plots thicken. We don't get together often, but when we do I have novels to share. Leslie seems thrilled with every chapter. Sometimes she listens patiently for the punchline and sometimes she is so eager, she makes me turn the pages faster. However, never ever will she close the book without knowing the ending.

Leslie looks for the poetic justice as well as the moral of the story. She weeps with me at the sad segments and she rejoices in my positive perils. Best of all, Leslie finds me to be funny and when she laughs, she fills my soul.

Now as for Jeff...he is just one happy camper. Leslie is the love of his life. The happy couple were united in marriage on a roller coaster and they have been happily coasting through life ever since. Leslie joined me on my roller coaster ride with cancer. Her comments and interest helped to make the ride fun. Jeff provides me with great hugs that are almost as good as Michael's!

It was still light out when my evening with Leslie and Jeff ended.
I walked up the hill to my car.

I took one last look at Emerald City
and I waved a good bye
to my good friend, Leslie
who I will never forget.

.

I Forgot

2008-05-27T21:04:00.006-04:00

Today...

I forgot to get up when the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m.

I forgot how to do the morning reports at work.

I forgot Sadiyah's name.

I forgot to get off the exit for Radiation.

I forgot to turn into the Radiation Building parking lot.

I forgot that I had a 3:00 appointment for a new mapping of my breast.

I forgot that I had a dinner date with Leslie and Jeff.

I forgot Leslie's phone number.

I forgot to be nice to the people I live with.

I think that's it.

Now I am staring at this word...forgot. It looks like such a silly word.
I forget...Is forgot really a word?

Now this is getting weird.
I actually feel a little stoned...but I'm not.

Perhaps the two Ambiens are kicking in.
It's time for me to go to sleep.

Oh...I almost forgot.

Thanks for being there for me...In good blogs and bad blogs.

Goodnight, God Bless You, Sweet Dreams, I love you.

.

I Love My Bike

2008-05-26T18:15:00.011-04:00

Today I was fortunate enough to be able to ride my bike.
I love my bike.
I always have.

The first brand-new-bike I remember owning was a Schwinn that my father bought me.
My father was a teacher and so he got one big paycheck at the beginning of the summer, which had to last him until he returned to school in September.

My father chose me to go with him one summer to pick up his check. He cashed it and he let me hold all of the money. It was scary to have that much money in my hand. I don't think I liked it. It was way too much responsibility. It still is.
Anyway, after we cashed the check we went to the bike shop and I got to pick out a brand-new-bike. I was in 7th or 8th grade. I'm not sure.

It was a hard decision to choose which bike I wanted.
It was between a really cool green bike with thick bars or a red thinner bike, less cool.
My father pushed me towards the red bike and so the red bike won.
When I got home, my best friend Irene rode up on her very own new bike; the green cool bike that I had declined.
A little jealousy set in, but that's the way it always was with Irene and I.
It was a love/hate relationship.

Joelle's here lying next to me as I type this blog and she asks, "Why did you get a new bike and not Debbie and Gail?"

Well, when I was in fourth grade (yes fourth grade), my father bribed me to stop sucking my finger. He promised to buy me a new bike if I stopped.
The bribe worked. I stopped sucking my finger, but I didn't get the bike.
I knew my father was good for it though.
So, I waited...and waited...and waited.

Sometimes you have to wait for what you want.
Sometimes you never get what you want.
Sometimes you don't even know what you want!

I am used to getting what I want.
Some may say that I am spoiled; some say impatient.
I like to think of myself as being persistent, resourceful and successful.

These days I am not sure what I want.
Things are confusing.

Is it all about me?
Not all about me, but yes my life is about me.
I am the only one that can make it mine.

It took me 4 years to get that bike, but I did get it.
I was rewarded for my accomplishment.

Today I was rewarded with a wonderful bike ride along the ocean side.
My legs were strong and my spirit, even stronger.
I rode against the wind at first and then I rode with the wind.

I liked the challenge of riding against the elements.
I have had alot of experience with that lately.

It feels good to master the elements.
Bike or no bike!

.

Feeling Mostly Great

2008-05-19T20:40:00.007-04:00

Week three of Radiation.
Week two of work.
Feeling...mostly great.

Today, I got home from radiation, took my bra off (per instructions from Dr. Thurman), showered, lathered lots of cream on my favored breast (per Dr. T), put my jammies on, made a small hot fudge sundae, turned my bed warmer on, and crawled into bed with my laptop.

*First stop was to my email to see if Mary had posted a new blog.
Yippee, a new blog.
Read Blog.
Commented.

*Next stop was My Blog.
One new comment in Life is Good. Thank you Alina.
Oh and then another comment from Mary in Three Gifts on This Saturday Morning in May. A delightful surprise. Thanks M.

*Caught the last ten minutes of Oprah, The Mary Tyler Moore Reunion.
Funny, I just wrote about MTM two blogs ago.

*Chills set in and I wanted Mary's Chicken Soup.

*Lay there wanting to sleep, but knowing I had promised Greg supper.
How the hell was I going to get up and cook hamburgs and mashed potatoes?
Not a big deal, but it felt like a huge ordeal!

For 7 days I have had practically no side effects from chemo and radiation.
I have been feeling mostly wonderful.

Yesterday I felt out of shape while working in Paula's yard, but hey so did everybody else that was helping Paula.
We were all thrilled to do the chores that Paula would love to be doing.
So, bah humbug to a few aches and pain!

Friday night I had 10 minutes of sharp breast pain related to radiation, but I could sympathize with the poor boob.
It's about time Betty complained. She has been tortured for the past 6 months. She's entitled to cry out a little.

When I laid down today I felt the familiar muscle pain and a hint of neuropathy.
I got a little nervous thinking that I might have a relapse.
But I am mostly fine now.
I figured out that this was my body telling me to take it easy.
I didn't HAVE to make supper.
I could just go to sleep.

Then an angel appeared in the doorway of my bedroom.
My niece Kelley had come to my rescue with Meatballs, Sausage and Sauce.
I felt a rush of relief.

My facade of being a good homemaker could be sustained for another night.

More importantly, I decided to give myself a break.

I listened to my body's cry and decided to nurture myself.

*So, now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
But, if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

However, if I last another day
I rejoice that I had my say
and I did it mostly my way.

.

Three Gifts on This Saturday Morning in May

2008-05-17T19:13:00.023-04:00

This Saturday morning in May, I was greeted with three gifts.
I would like to share them with you.

My first gift was from my college room-mate, Cathy.
I have mentioned Cathy in My Blog before. She is the one that has greeted me with an e-mail every single morning while on my journey in Cancer Land.
Cathy helped me to have a little bit of a routine, which made me feel more normal.
She gave me something to look forward to every single morning. She never missed a beat.
Cathy doesn't comment in My Blog.
That's ok. Instead I am blessed with her daily e-mails.

I would like to share Cathy's comforting words that I awoke to on this Saturday morning in May.

Yup.life 's funny...who would think that you returning to work would bring such joy..normalcy to your life. As, I read your blog..I could see you strutting in to work (in your birthday dress & your bold shoes)...confident, radiant, and happy. You go girl!!! You have earned this weekend..and I postponed our coffee chat until, now, just in the event you wanted to sleep in today. I was thinking how many people are in your circle of friends. Of course, you have your immediate circle of family (Greg, Joelle, Jenna, your sisters, brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, so, on), your nearest & closest friends (the list is long...), your buddies, that are supportive & fun; work friends & associates...and the list goes on and on and on..... Cancer sucks.....but you are wrapped in an enormous group hug ..and having so many people who care for you....is awesome. Have a restful Saturday...

My second gift came from a woman I have never met.
Her name is Mary.
I have been reading Mary's Blog about her own tribulations with her newborn son, Sebastian.
Sebastian was born with heart problems.
Mary has recorded her own journey with her son, Sebastian, which I have followed.

Mary is the wife of Greg's nephew, Bryan.
I have never met Bryan or Mary, but I do know Greg's brother Don and his wife, Denise.
Don and Denise glow with pride when they speak of Bryan and Mary's children, Claire and Sebastian the Strong.

Anyway...
I have given to Mary, just as all of you have given to me.
Mary told me so.
I have written comments in Mary's Blog, which have inspired her, just as you all have inspired me.

This morning I was greeted with Mary's Blog and was instantly transformed into delighting in her morning of appreciation for life and the celebration of her son.

Mary's delight in life inspired me to enjoy this Saturday in May.

My third gift was one that was unexpected, yet truly appreciated.
It was from a long lost friend, Nicole.
This gift was a total surprise, for which I am still in shock and disbelief.

I have thought of Nicole so many times, with despair, grief and confusion.
I have longed to make things right, but never thought it my place to do so.
I believed that Nicole and I had a connection, but thought maybe I assumed to believe too much.

I only hope that we can see each other again...soon.
I wonder what has kept us apart.
I hope that she believes I am good and never, ever, had intentions of harming anyone.

I miss her and miss knowing the delights she must be experiencing on her journey with her two beautiful sons.

This Saturday Morning in May, I was given three gifts.

I do believe, that perhaps I provided happiness at one time to all of these three people that chose to reciprocate today.

What goes around, comes around.
I am sooooo grateful that it came around on this Saturday Morning in May.

I sign this -
Sincerely and Lovingly,

Patricia May Bergeron

.

Life is good.

2008-05-15T17:31:00.022-04:00

I have not only survived two days of work, I have been happy to do so.

My first two days have been good.
It was so nice to see my peers and to be greeted by such happy faces.
I feel like a normal person again and am thrilled to be pain free and workable.

It was a challenge to dress for the occasion, but I think I pulled it off.
Black pants the first day, my groovy birthday dress the second day.
I mixed it up and added yellow platform shoes to the dress.
I loved walking the corridors, Healthy in Heels.

I was thrilled to see Alina and her Big Bubbled Belly.
Alina and I had a rocky start at work, but I have so grown to appreciate her. Alina's encouraging comments kept me illuminated and motivated.

People can surprise you.
There is good in everyone and sooner or later you see the good and you connect.
Cancer connected Alina and I.

Alina's baby is due to be born on June 25th, which just so happens to be my Jenna's birthday.
Another wonderful connection!

I also saw Dona, which was like seeing Christmas.
To be in her presence is like getting presents.
Dona reminds me of Santa's elves.
She is helpful, kind and giving.
To know her is to love her.

Dona is responsible for getting me to the gym.
She helped sign me up a year ago and has been encouraging me ever since.
Dona helped whip me into shape, which in turn helped me to whip cancer.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Shannon. She is the Mary Tyler Moore of the office.
Not so much a goody two shoes, like Mary, but she exuberates her presence, like Mary.
Today I was lucky enough to be one of the first people to find out that her expectant child is a male.
OH BOY!

Barbara was there to greet me with her perfect smile and gleaming face.
Barbara is a petite blonde that for some reason, never ages.
Barbara has offered so much encouragement in the past few months for which I am so grateful.
She is happy I am back at work and we have set goals for me that have nothing to do with friggin' cancer.
Barbara is happy to have me back because she knows my value at JH.
She herself is a hard, dedicated worker and we want the best for our clients and company.
We also want the best for ourselves.

I saw Sandy.
Sandy is an unexpected surprise in my life.
I showed up under her umbrella in the rain last summer and it was fun at first sight. She has insprired me to look my best, in good times and in bad times.
Sandy set the bar.

Speaking of the best, I loved seeing Sharon.
She is the smartest woman I know at JH.
Sharon told me I looked sexy today. Now what could be better than that?
Battling cancer for the past four months is not usually a means of achieving sexiness.
But hey, I ain't gonna turn that compliment away.
THANKYOU SHARON.

The only thing better than being called sexy is being called "Twiggy."
Eileen sees me through rose colored glasses and I treasure her view and her positive spirit.

My boss, Mary greeted me with open arms yesterday.
Mary is patient and understanding.
She has never pressured me into returning to work.
Instead, she let me know that my job is a job and as important as it may be, it is not as important as my health and well-being.
Thank you, Mary.

Tomorrow is another day and I will talk about My Girls another day.
This girl is tired now.
I am tired because I worked today, not because I have cancer.

I look forward to seeing all of my peers tomorrow
and
I look forward to working
because...
I can!

Now I am home
in bed
with a glass of Chardonnay
and
a dish of Fettucine Neptune.

What could be better than this?

A good day at work.
A good night at home.

Life is good.

.

Mother's Day a la Jenna

2008-05-12T12:58:00.037-04:00

Yesterday, I had a lovely Mother's Day with both of my daughters, Joelle and Jenna. I have decided to let their words speak for me today.
So you will see two blogs today. One a la Joelle. One a la Jenna.

Each of them gave me a perfect card and they wrote a beautiful message to me. Being the perfectionist that I am, I was going to correct the spelling and improve the grammar before I posted it on My Blog.
I am proud to say that I did NOT edit their messages.
Nothing in life is perfect. I certainly have learned that the hard way.

Here is Jenna's message to me:
(Oh - Jenna is referring to a beautiful 3-diamond ring she gave to me.)

This ring is not just something to wear it signifies a journey...they call it a journey ring. I want you to wear it and remember all the journies you have made in your life and your life with me. Each diamond represents something different...today, tomorrow and forever.
I want you to wear this ring and remember the journey you have made with Cancer and what a journey it has been and will be...today, tomorrow and forever.
Although you may not realize, but you have changed tremendously during your battle with cancer. For starters you are no longer a beginner in the world of computers! Also I think you have finally realized how beautiful you are. Ok, fuzzy, maybe you haven't, but I have. Without your hair I was able to look at just you. Who woulda thought just like Demi moore you could pull it off! I've never seen you glow as much either. Without your hair I think you took a little more time to focus on other aspects of your body. Ya, there were days when you looked miserable and that's understandable given the circumstances, but when you looked good you shined like the north star. During this time I have never been more proud to call you my mother. My friend, strong, compassionate, loving, silly, mother, you're mine...today, tomorrow and forever.
And remember the journey you have made with me. Cancer looks like a walk in the park compared to this trecherous hike you've made with me and continue to make. Today may not look good and tomorrow might not always be great either, but know that forever I will do my best to fix myself and show you that you are truely appreciated. And never forget that I love you to pluto and back...today, tomorrow and forever.
Love,
Jenna

Jenna's words touched my heart and filled me with joy.
I changed my mind.
Jenna's words were perfect.

Mother's Day a la Joelle

2008-05-12T12:32:00.042-04:00

Routine

2008-05-07T23:49:00.039-04:00

Today is Wednesday. I have had three radiation treatments.
So far, so good.
Only time will tell.

I am not a routine person. Greg can vouch for that.
Greg loves routine and hates it when his routine is interrupted.
I on the other hand, never do anything the same way twice.
In theory, routines sound very nice, but routines and I are not very compatible.

Radiation treatments require consistency. I MUST be zapped daily, Monday through Friday at 3:20, give or take a few minutes.
So for the next 7 weeks, like it or not, I am going to have a routine.

After three days I have learned the routine.

Upon arriving at South Suburban Oncology, I park in a designated spot, close to the entrance.
This is a very nice perk for the patients who are getting radiation.

I walk inside and scan my red badge of courage, which logs me into the system and lets them know that I have arrived.
Today I got a double-take from the receptionist because I wore the strawberry-blonde wig. They are used to seeing me in my baseball caps.

Next, I proceed to the dressing room and adorn myself in a gown, aka jonnie.
Then I wait to be called.
The waiting room is quite nice. It has great reading material and wonderful snacks.
Unfortunately I discovered Vanilla Snackwell Cookies. The cookies were so good that I bought two packages while at the grocery store this weekend.

After overdosing on Snackwells, I surrendered one package to Greg's mother in the nursing home. Unlike me, Nan can afford to gain some weight.

OK, back to my routine.

I wait, in the waiting room, until I am retrieved by one of the technicians.
I like these women. I don't remember their names yet, but I have time to memorize them. It only took me three months to learn my chemo girls names.

I am then escorted to the radiation room where I lay on my back and position my bum on a bump.

My left breast is exposed.
I asked the women if it is weird to see boobs all day. They laughed and said no, they get to see other things too. I also apologized for the odor, as I am not allowed to wear deodorant because of the alcohol content interfering with the machine. The technicians laughed and said they didn't smell a thing. They are very nice liars.

My left arm is lifted and placed behind my head.
Kind of like being in a stirrup, but for an arm.
I am sure I look very attractive in this position.

The technicians lay a warm thin blanket over my covered breast.
They primp and prod me until I am in the exact precalculated position.
For a few moments I am being mothered. It is a feeling that I miss.

I lay in this position for about 10 minutes while the radiation machine zapps me from the right side and then the left side.
(The radiation is killing any cancer cells that may be lingering in my breast.)

While I lay on the table, I must remain very still. My eyes remain focused on the ceiling.
It is a wonderful ceiling. The cardboard panels have been replaced with a fluorescent lit mural of a dogwood tree, which just happens to be my favorite tree. I smile as I type this, because I just thought of my father. He loved dogwoods and it is because of him that I have an appreciation for this work of nature.

I am smiling even more broadly now because I just realized that my mother and father are in that room with me. They will be part of my routine for the next two months.
My mother will tuck me in and make me feel safe.
My father will keep me pleasantly distracted.
Hmmmmm...I might like this routine.

After being zapped, the technicians help me get up because I am uncoordinated, stiff and so very sore.

Let's step away from the routine for a moment.

Before radiation today, I went shopping at Lord and Taylor's in the Braintree Mall. I bought a dress for Greg's son's wedding.
I was so excited and I was dying to show it to someone, so I brought it to radiation with me.
Everyone loved it including Dr. Thurman.
She looked at it and said, "When is the wedding?"
I told her it was in two weeks. She looked at the bust line and said it should be ok.
Now that kind of scared me. Must revisit that with her...tomorrow.
I remember hearing something about my breast getting red and prunelike.
Happy Thoughts.
Happy Thoughts.

Here is a picture of the dress.
Not to toot my own horn, but I must say that it actually looks better on me than on the model.

Oh, and just to let you know, I am not happy about the sleeveless part.
I suppose it is time to get over it. I will always have arms made for football.

So, that is my routine.
Routines are not for me, but if it means getting rid of cancer, I can do it.
I can do anything.
Just watch me.

.

Finishing

2008-05-02T10:44:00.059-04:00

Finishing a Blog is absolutely, positively, so rewarding.
It gives me a wonderful sense of accomplishment.
This must be how writers feel after they have finished their novel.

When I completed the Florida Blog, I had flashbacks of James Caan in Misery.

Not the scene where Paul gets hammered.
The scene where Paul finishes his novel.
He smiles with satisfaction, cracks open a bottle of champagne and makes a toast.

When Trisha finished her Florida Blog, she made toast.
Trisha toasted some whole wheat bread, spread it with organic peanut butter, and she ate the toast with a smile that reeked of satisfaction.

My Blog has become My Memory.
I have already forgotten alot about my feelings during these past 5 months; emotional and physical feelings.
So, I am very happy that I can use My Blog as a reference.

I met with my Oncologist on Thursday and he told me that my memory should return to normal in about 6 months to a year!!!
Now that's reassuring...NOT.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

In the meantime, I am suppose to function without all of my memory in tact.
That should make for an easy return to work.
Do ya think?!!

I told the doctor that I was returning to work in two weeks.
He looked concerned. (Keep in mind that this is the same doctor that told me that I might be able to work during chemo.)
Now he tells me that my fatigue from radiation might limit my work ability.
So, we compromised. He signed off on me returning to work, but I need to be restricted to light duty.
OK, I'll go with that. JH and I can figure out what "light duty" means, later.
For now, I will trust Dr. Freter. He is a smart man.

My plan is to work Monday through Friday, but I will leave Boston early (2:30ish).
I will go directly to radiation, which is at 3:20 in Quincy.
I plan to be home in Kingston by 5:p.m. and then I will relax poolside.
I will be in bed by 8:p.m.
Piece of cake!!!

Hey, I finished chemo.
I will finish radiation
and more importantly, I will finish living!

(I say this with a very satisfied smile on my face:)

Finishing is a wonderful thing.

.

Two Weeks From Today

2008-04-30T23:10:00.016-04:00

Don't you just hate it when people tell you about their dreams?
If so, you might want to skip this blog.

I go back to work, two weeks from today.
Scary. So very scary.

I woke up early this morning from a terrible night's sleep. I made it through the night without any sleeping pills. Not that I am addicted, but I figured I would start to wean myself off the Ambien. I fell asleep on my own, which was good. However, I kept waking up throughout the night and I was in alot of pain. It killed to roll over. The bone aches seem to be worse in the late afternoon, through the night and first thing in the morning.
Tylenol around the clock does not help. I am hoping the bone pain dissipates soon.

Anyway, the point of this Blog is to tell you about my dream.

I haven't thought much about my actual job since I left JH on December 24th. Oh sure, I have thought about the people that I miss, but not the actual job.
Last night I not only dreamed about JH, I felt like I put in a full night's work.

It was not a good dream.

Well, wait a minute.
There was one good thing.
I had hair. Real hair. Not just the fuzz I have now. (Greg calls me "Fuzzy".)

I remember brushing my hair in the dream and it was strange, but nice.
In real life I am at the Bozo stage.
My hair is red fuzz in the shape of a clown's hairline.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and say, "You are sooooo pretty."
And then I laugh.

Anyway, in my dream I arrive early to work and I find my new cubicle. (I am told by my boss that my workspace has moved in real life.)
It was terrible. I was stuck in the middle of a crowded small space, but I did have a granite countertop! (Hmmmm....always the decorator.)

Terry, a coworker was sitting beside me. (In real life Terry would never be sitting beside me.) I haven't thought about Terry since I left, (sorry Terry), so I don't know why he popped up in my dream. It was nice to see him though.

My desk top computer had been replaced with a laptop. My preference is a desk top, but I must say I have gotten very good at using a lap top since I have been home. (Thanks to my Blogging.)
In the dream I did not even know how to turn the computer on.
Someone popped up in the dream and said, "Are you on CSPP?"
A call was in queue and I had no idea of what to do.

I never saw my Intake Team. They were no where to be found. I kept asking people where they were, and I was told they were at a wedding shower or at an aerobics class. I thought, those lazy bums! (They truly do work very hard in real life.)

In fact, in my dream, I couldn't find anyone. The BSs and the ICMs were non existent.
Where were my friends?

I wore a sleeveless dress to work. (I don't do sleeveless in real life.)
When I was in high school, when I was tall and skinny, my father told me I had the upper arms of a football player.
Kinda spoiled sleeveless for life, ya know?!

So, in my dream I am trying to look pretty for the first day back to work. I am fussing with my hair and the next thing I know I am pulling weeds from under my arms. (Now where did that come from? Really, I do still shave.)

Shannon, a manager, was in my dream - alot. Shannon is beautiful in real life, but in the dream she wasn't all that.

My cheat sheets were missing. I panicked. I cannot work without my cheat sheets.

OK, so you know how Greg leaves me coffee bedside every morning?
Well, he used to use my JH thermos mug, but the handle broke, so for the past two months he has been using two new thermos mugs that I bought at BB&B.
However, this morning I woke up to find my handleless JH mug next to me.
How strange that this JH mug should reappear bedside after having this dream about JH.

I guess that I am having some anxiety about returning to work.
Do ya think?

I have been out of work for 126 days. That's over 4 months!

Will I remember how to do my job?
Will chemo brain be over by then?
Will I be able to tolerate wearing a wig for eight hours a day?!!!

Wake up Trisha!

I will think about all of this some other day.

Today I am going to enjoy working at home.
Tonight I am going to sleep and I am going to try not to work so hard.

.

Florida

2008-04-30T19:53:00.055-04:00

Alas, the long awaited Florida Pictures!
I made a deal with Jenna.
Greg and I hung her curtains while she posted these pictures.
It's always a trade-off with Jenna, but most of the time it is worth it.

Please keep in mind that the camera adds at least 30 lbs.

This is me and my birthday twin, Lisa.
She met us at the airport and transported 4 sisters, 1 niece, and 8 pieces of luggage in a compact sized car.
One Bungy Cord kept us all alive.

This is my big sister, Gail.
Gail is responsible for masterminding this trip.
Gail wore Big Sunglasses way before they were in style.

This is my sister, Debbie. A very tired Debbie.
She is resting in the hotel lobby as our room was not ready when we arrived.
Pretty in Pink

This is my sister, Paula and one of my infamous White Russians.
Cheers to Sisterhood

This is my niece, Kristi with Paula.
Paula and Kristi have always had A Special Bond.

Paula and Kristi, Bonding with Books

Lisa surprised us with these Monkey Coconut Heads.
The Cancer Triplets surprised her with our Bald Heads!

Me and my Blue Hat - Snug as a Bug in a Rug.
I loved our hotel room and the bed.

The Sunrise Bedside
I woke up to this Sunrise and thought it was mountains in the sky. I was very confused. I blamed it on the chemo drugs!

The Swanson Girls - Out of Order
Gail, Debbie, Lisa, Paula and Trisha

Hi Debbie.

Shopping Paula
Can't even begin to explain. You just had to be there!

Paula with My Hair. Me with No Hair.

The Swanson Girls - Still Out of Order
Trisha, Debbie, Gail, Paula and Lisa

Simply...Paula

.

The Best

2008-04-30T07:21:00.011-04:00

Yesterday...
I had The Best minestrone soup.
SueAnn dropped off her soon to be infamous minestrone soup.
A batch for me and a batch for Paula.
It was deeeeeeelicious!
It was The Best soup I have ever had.
The pasta was cooked al dente. The carrots had just a speck of crunch to them. The seasoning was perfect.
It hit the spot!

Yesterday...
I had The Best conversation with Paula.
I brought her the minestrone soup so that she could have it for supper.
She was snug as a bug in a rug, under her covers, watching TV.
We had a great conversation while she ate soup and I washed dishes.
Then I joined her on the bed and we talked more.
Small talk and deep talk. Just my type of conversation.

We talked of revelations that cancer has brought us.
We talked of daughters.
We talked of food and nausea.
We talked and we laughed.

I left Paula's house feeling high on life.

It is so good to know that we are both trying to live better lives and appreciating the time we have left.

It is The Best of times; knowing that Paula is really living.
It is the worst of times; knowing that life will end too soon for my sister.

Happy thoughts...happy thoughts...
For now, life is good.

Yesterday...
I had The Best Minestrone Soup
and
The Best Talk
with
My Best Sister.

.

Inspiration

2008-04-28T23:33:00.040-04:00

Inspiration has many disguises, so sometimes it is hard to recognize.

With the end of chemo, I thought I had lost my desire to Blog.
Gone was my inspiration to continue.

But tonight, while peeing before bed, I found it.

Taped above my toilet paper dispenser is a card from my cousin, Sue May.
Because it matches my master bathroom decor, it has earned the privilege of being on display.

The front of the card has sea shells with a caption:
Thinking of You.
Sending you wave after wave of caring thoughts.

I read this card tonight and I was inspired to Blog again.

There's another card in my Purple (Sherwin Williams Enigma) half-bathroom.
It is taped to the bathroom door, so that when one closes the door, and sits on the toilet, it is visible and hard to avoid reading.
This card was given to me at the end of chemo.

The front of the card is a photograph of a baby.
A very excited baby that is saying:
"I'm so happy I could just wet myself!!"
"Wait...I AM wetting myself!!"
Congratulations.

Gail wrote: You did it!
Hooray - Enjoy your reward.
Brownies and Healthy Breasts!
Love, Gail

It is important to let you know what has inspired me on my journey.

Cards like Sue May's and Gail's are among the hundreds of cards that I have received.
Each card and handwritten message touched my heart and are now keepsakes in a chest above my armoire. I am sure that one day, when I am pronounced "cured," I will open that chest and treasure the scripted wishes of wellness.

People like my cousin Maureen have written or told me that they are there for me or are only a phone call away. I might not have called all of you or written you back, but please know that I appreciate the offer and value your sincerity. Someday I might take you up on your offers. I know that Maureen and John have been on their own long journey. God bless them.

Inspiration took the form of gifts:
Flowers, plants, books, stationary, hats, blankets, scarves, earrings, music. These presents provided me with reminders that I am loved and that my journey is costing you money and heartache. For that I am sorry, but thank you, just the same.

Home cooked meals have inspired me to stay strong.
Today my friend and former neighbor, Patty, came to my rescue with a most delicious dinner. Chicken Tetrazzini with steamed fresh zucchini and summer squash provided me with some much needed nutrition. (A woman cannot survive on Cape Cod chips alone.) Kristi's Kookin, Ruthie's Romantic Italian Dinner, Sarah's Chocolate Covered Strawberries, JH's Fruit Kabobs, Jenna's Chicken Cutlets and SueAnn's Minestrone Soup were memorable sources of edible inspiration.

The comments in my Blogs have been my biggest source of inspiration. You commentators have fueled me on this journey. I am obsessed with checking my blogsite to read my comments. You all provoked me to feel goodness at a time in my life that could have been overtaken with grief and pain.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And for those of you who were too shy to leave a comment, but still read about my trip, I thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to read about my progress and to track the trails I have tread. (Please feel free to come out of that shell and comment!)

I lay in bed now. It is Two O'Clock in the Morning - again.
The rain is pattering upon my bedroom walls.
I am getting sleepy and I must end this Tale of Inspiration, which has turned into a Hallmark Thank You Card.

Greg is lying beside me, snoring slightly. He has worked very hard during this journey. My poor Greg got lost along the way, but he managed to find a path and he has joined me. He is still clearing away some brush, but the road ahead looks much better. I am so happy that he is with me now.

Today, Inspiration took the disguise of rain.

I am hoping and praying that this rain will inspire new growth and good health to our already green lives.

.

Two O'Clock in the Morning

2008-04-25T02:15:00.023-04:00

I went to the Doctor's on Tuesday for my weekly blood draws.
My red count was 12.1 and my white count was 8.
Apparently these are good levels. So, I did not need to get a shot of Procrit or another shot of Neulasta.
Good, great, fantastic....NOT.
My bones are so friggin sore.

I had a shot of Neulasta 14 days ago.
Apparently the Neulasta side effects are bone pain.
I don't like it.
I don't want it.
Make it go away.

Each little thing I did today took so much effort and caused so much pain.
When I got up from a chair, I looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
When I rolled over in bed I could actually hear what sounded like bones cracking.
My arms felt like lead, so lifting the water bottle beside my bed was pure torture.
My legs felt like telephone poles being climbed.

This afternoon the pain got so bad that I decided to quit!

I called Dr. Freter's office and explained the bone pain. I told them I knew it was from the Neulasta, which they confirmed. They told me to take Tylenol around the clock in order to help the pain.
After two doses of Tylenol, I resorted to a Vicadin for the pain, and Ambien for the sleep.
Finally I was able to get some relief.

It is now Two O'Clock in the Morning. I slept for five hours. The pain is tolerable, but I am awake.

I am in my black leather recliner, Blogging.
I figured that I would put my restlessness to good use.

My friend Anne left me a comment in my Blog yesterday telling me to relax. Take time to stop and smell the roses.
I responded that I don't like the smell of roses, but I promised her that I would try to slow down, relax, and enjoy life.

Anne is someone that knows about slowing down and smelling roses.
Anne is a cancer survivor. I first met her about 16 years ago. She was undergoing chemo and radiation for Colon Cancer. I remember her laying on her couch looking outside her French doors at a bird on her lawn. She was mesmerized by the bird and she had the most joyful, yet peaceful facial expression. She explained to me that if she did not have cancer, she never would have taken the time to enjoy that moment.

Throughout the years I have thought of that memory of Anne and I have tried to apply the lesson to my own life even before I had cancer.

I suppose it is a lesson that we all need to keep learning.

So today, amidst the bone pain, I took some time to relax.

I enjoyed my breakfast in bed. Three slices of organic, well toasted whole wheat bread with lots of butter and of course my coffee. I had a wonderful view of my front yard and I enjoyed watching the curtain blow with the morning breeze.

Several times throughout the day, when the pain became unbearable, I relaxed by my pool and enjoyed the sun and the sounds of children laughing, birds singing, and a carpenter playing his chainsaw.

For lunch I ate Cape Cod Chips. It was fun finding and eating only the curled up chips. I had no guilt and I enjoyed breaking the Five Food Group rule.

I especially enjoyed hearing my daughters laughing. They called me when they arrived in Washington D.C. and the sound of them getting along was music to my ears.

Despite my happy moments, by the end of the day I was in tears because of the pain.
Just as I had swallowed the Vicadin, Lovely Linda called. She listened to my woes and offerred encouragement.

Another call beeped in and it was my "work friend" Kathie.
I immediately told her that she might not want to talk to me now, because I was going to cry and complain.
I didn't scare Kathie away; just the opposite. She welcomed my emotions.
We were able to catch up and I was delightfully distracted.
Our conversation was the perfect foreplay to the medication taking effect.

A third and final call came from my sister Gail.
A perfect way to end my night.
The Vicadin had taken the edge off the pain and I was ready to sleep.
Gail was ready to watch Survivor, so we had a brief conversation.
However brief, it is always nice to have my big sister tuck me in bed, one way or another.

So, today was suppose to be a productive day around the house.
Mission not Accomplished.
Each room is in disarray, I have not paid my bills, but I am ok with that.
Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and I can chip away at chores.

Today, I took Anne's advice.

Amidst the pain and suffering...
...I smelled the roses.

.

So Sorry...

2008-04-23T10:27:00.012-04:00

I am not sure whether I have Writer's Block or whether I am just a Scatterbrained Idiot.
I have been trying to post a Blog since Saturday.
Can't seem to do it.
I wanted to write about my trip to Florida, but I knew it just had to include pictures.
And you know what that means!

So, bear with me.
Be patient.
Have a heart.
Be kind to the sick or shall I say be kind to the sicko?!

With the ending of chemo came confusion.
I think, that I think, that I am suppose to be all better.
I have a million things to do, but I don't know where to begin.
Dr. Freter said that I can start to resume some of my more normal activities.
Did I ever stop?
Am I suppose to be acting more normal?
What is normal?
Have I ever been normal?
Will I ever be normal?

Ooooops - Hot Flash.
One moment please...

...I'm back.
(Had to strip off some clothing.)
It's fun being perimenopausal in the midst of having cancer.
Or is it, in the midst of having had cancer?

I am confused.
I can not seem to compose myself, never mind compose a blog.

So, I am going to stop typing now and I am going to post this for all my viewers to read.
You poor babies.
Hang in there.
I think I have more to say, but not right now.

It ain't over til the fat lady sings.
And I ain't singin' yet!

.

Hit by a Truck

2008-04-11T17:10:00.037-04:00

I never saw it coming.
But boy did I get hit - hard.

Chemo class went well and I felt great on Wednesday and for most of Thursday.
Then...crash.

Let me back up.

Thursday morning I had gone to the doctor's to get my Neulasta shot and then I did some errands. I was driving home in the afternoon and that's when I had Chemo-Collision.
I never saw the truck that hit me, but I suppose I should know the routine by now.
I just wasn't watching the road.
I was distracted by nature and absorbed by the sun and fresh air, so I wasn't expecting the impact.

My body was suddenly swarmed with weakness.
Luckily, my internal GPS system took over.
I arrived home safely and I managed to climb into bed, fully clothed, make-up in tact.
With the help of Ambien, I drifted off to sleep so as to avoid the pain.
Every hour on the hour my body decided to visit the bathroom to rid itself of excess chemo toxins. Each time upon my return to bed, I shed a layer of clothing. By morning, my clothes had been replaced with a nightie and my face was lying upon the pillow case.

Friday morning I awoke in the midst of laundry land, but I didn't care about my surroundings. My body distracted me and reminded me that it was more important than my house. (Ah ha, I am progressing.)

I had an urge to explain the wreckage in my Blog. I know chemo is helping me to fight the cancer, but I wanted documentation of the collision.
When I become Chemo Free and Cancer Free, I want to be able to look back at how bad it WAS, so that I can appreciate how good it IS.

So, for the record:
Today it feels as though I was hit by a truck or better yet, like someone has thrown me against a wall...
...every wall in the house and at every angle of my body.
Everything hurts.
My legs ache and my arms ache. My bones are sore.

My hands and feet throb, burn, and have a tingling sensation. This is called Peripheral Neuropathy. It's not too bad. I just hope it does not get worse. Dr. Freter said it should go away in about 6-12 months.
I have constant headaches, but to varying degrees and it hits different parts of my head.
Too much stimulation is annoying. I have a hard time tolerating a three-way conversation.
I don't enjoy much TV, so I am even more socially and politically illiterate these days.
My concentration level does not provide me with incentive to read. I am becoming an idiot.

So what's a girl to do?

Hell, I think it's time for a vacation!

Lucky for me, Gail has planned a get-a-way for her sisters and for her daughter, Kristi.
We are all flying to Florida on Monday.
Destination: Daytona Beach

My birthday twin, Lisa, has booked us rooms at The Hilton.
Lisa is a bartender at The Hilton, so she knows Bloody Mary quite well. Lisa is also friends with Mr. Martini and Ms. Cosmo, so Debbie will be all set. The Corona Crew hangs out with Lisa and I am sure they will be happy to slice up a few limes for Gail and Paula. Kristi will be content with feeling the Malibu Bay Breezes.

Of course, meeting up with Mary and the gang is not our main objective.
Our primary goal is to get some much needed R&R (Rest and Relaxation).
I am not certain of how much Recreation can actually occur.

We are all in pretty tough shape.
- Paula having her palliative chemo
- Debbie on her second round of chemo
- Me, being post chemo
And then there's poor Kristi recovering from a back injury.
Top that off with Gail who is exhausted from being our nurse, psychiatrist, and big sister.
What a group!

However, I am quite certain that we will make the best of these five days.
The five Swanson Sisters will be together and that is going to be amazing.

Daytona Beach is not going to know what hit them!

.

Last Dance

2008-04-08T07:31:00.035-04:00

Too Loo to Chemo!

Probably a stupid title for this Blog, but I can't seem to get this song out of my mind.

Today is my last dance with chemo.
I'm not going to dress up for the occasion. No ballroom gowns or disco dresses.
Just plain old school clothes.
However, I will put on a hospital gown for a few minutes while I do a quick twirl with Dr. Freter.
But, no dancing shoes for me today.
Although, if my father was here, I bet he would have taken me to Thom McCann's to buy me a new pair of shoes. And, I would have slept with the shoes last night.
If my mother was here, she would have sewn me a dress. Perhaps a cotton shift that would match Michele's...or my sisters.
(Sandy & Les - I promise to insert pictures here, so that this will make sense to you.)

Today is a special day and my parents are with me in spirit. They have been sending me visuals all morning.

I usually have to be at chemo class at 9:30, but my appointment is at 11:a.m. today.
What a treat!
My body needs a few hours to adjust in the morning.
Not sure how that is going to work out once I start back to JH. (Will think about that later.)
Today, I have to get ready to dance!

I didn't prepare for class.
I vacuumed yesterday and I washed the floors. This morning I cleaned the stove-top and washed the glass doors (ya know, the ones with Riley paw prints and drool.)
So, I guess I did do some homework.
Having a clean house to come home to is comforting.
A clean house helps me to feel less chaotic.
Sorry; you know that already.
Chemo brain is annoying.

I did not pick out an outfit or pack a lunch.
These days, I am pretty good at getting dressed on the fly and wingin' it.
I should not think so much about being organized and efficient, because in the long run it doesn't matter.
And besides, I can go with the flow. I am not all that obsessive. Or at least, not all of the time; kontradicting kook that I am!

Last dance
Last dance
Yes, it's my last chance
For romance tonight

So, today is my last dance for love.
I love me and I want to stick around for a long time, so today I will be a dancing fool.
I don't know if there will be any romance tonight, but hey, you never know.
I might get lucky.

I need you, by me,
Beside me, to guide me,
To hold me, to scold me,
Cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad

I do know that I have needed all of you.
Thank you for being beside me and for guiding me through this terror.

Some of you have had to scold me and it was truly appreciated.

I am bad sometimes, but I think that's a good thing.
Don't want to be a goody-two-shoes!
What fun is that?
The brat in me keeps me fighting.

Poo Poo to Cancer!

Yeah, will you be my Mr. Right?
Can you fill my appetite
I can't be sure
But all all that I ask
Is that you dance with me
Dance with me, dance with me, yeah

You've all been the "Mr. Right" for me.
Cape Cod Chips, sundaes, tomatoes, rolls & butter and all of YOU have filled my appetite.

So let's dance, this last dance
Let's dance, this last dance
...So, come on baby, dance that dance

So today, I am dancing my last dance with chemo.
Thank God!

In retrospect, this is a great title for my Blog. Just not the one that I ever expected to use. I never expected to be quoting Donna Summer, but then again I never expected to be diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

You think you've got attitude Donna...I got it all over you, baby!

.

Meatloaf

2008-04-03T07:21:00.048-04:00

This week has been all about Meatloaf.

Woops! Wrong Meatloaf!

Ok, that's what I'm talkin' about!

A couple of months ago, I heard Gail make a comment about Meatloaf. Gail said she wished that someone would make her a Meatloaf. (Aparently she has been saying this for ten years, but I finally heard her.)

Gail's wishful comment was made in jest, but it made sense. I agreed that it certainly was about time that someone returned the favor to her. Making a Meatloaf was the least that I could do for a sister that is constantly giving herself to me and to others. So, I kept her comment in the back of my mind and finally on Monday, March 31st, 2008, I was able to make her wish come true.

This past week I became quite the domestic dame. Not only did I do housework, but I actually did some grocery shopping and cooking.

Monday I made Meatloaf.
I made a Meatloaf for Gail,
I made a Meatloaf for Paula,
and I made a Meatloaf for Greg, Jenna and me.

Now you ask, "What about Debbie?"
Debbie started chemo last week and right now her family and friends are on board. They are very attentive to her needs.
I will come to Debbie's rescue when the crowd thins out, because sadly, eventually the novelty of cancer wears off. People jump ship. Not intentionally, but it happens. Everyone has their own agenda and needs. It is quite understandable. There are many people who need to be saved.
So, I will do the Meatloaf thing for Debbie, later.

Now, back to my Meatloaf story.
I called Gail on Tuesday morning and told her that I was bringing Meatloaf to her.
She gasped in delight.
"Why?" was her response.
I explained that she deserved way more than Meatloaf.
"But you have Cancer," she replied.
Yes I do and I am not going to let it stop me from being a kind, productive human being.
Gail was humbled, yet thrilled.

The funny part is...Gail and Paula had stopped at the grocery store on Monday after Paula's chemo treatment and they bought hamburg so that they could make...
Meatloaf!

However, Gail was too exhausted to actually make the Meatloaf. So, my timing was perfect.

When Paula got home from chemo, she looked at the hamburg and sarcastically said,
"Ya right. I am going to make a Meatloaf."
She realized that this was way too high of a goal. Her ambition could not live up to her intentions.
A Meatloaf was not going to happen. So, when I showed up on her doorstep with a Meatloaf, she too was thrilled.
Her words were...You should not be doing this.
Yes I should, because I can.

OK...the Meatloaf saga does not end there.

Yesterday, Lovely Linda brought over some home cookin' for me to bring to Paula.
Linda had previously asked me what she could do to help the Swansons.
I told her that when she cooked a meal for her own family, put a plate aside for Paula.
Well she did.
And what did she cook?
Meatloaf!

There's more.

Yesterday afternoon I called Debbie's house to check up on her. She was not home, so I spoke to my niece, Kelley.
And what was Kelley in the middle of doing?
Making a Meatloaf!

Last night I was so friggin' proud of myself.
I actually had dinner on the table for Greg.
Mashed potatoes, green beans and Meatloaf.
Delicious.

Now here it is, Thursday morning, and I am ready to post my Blog.
I was interupted with a phone call. Debbie had heard about the Meatloaf coincidences and she wanted to add to the Meatloaf mania.
Last night when she arrived home, Kelley apologized to her mother for not having supper ready. Debbie answered, "Well that's alright, honey. I had a great lunch.
I had Meatloaf!"

This week Meatloaf is here, there, and everywhere.

Meatloaf is what we call comfort food...
... and we all need as much comfort as we can get these days!

In the words of Meatloaf (the Singer)...
I Would Do Anything For Love
I will even make you a Meatloaf.

Place your order today. (It might take me 10 years to fill it, but hey...)

.

Bloody Marys

2008-04-02T07:18:00.044-04:00

I think I have discovered the Key to Happiness, The Fountain of Youth, The Cure-All, or at least a temporary "Fix".

Last Saturday, Marianne and I cleared out the remains of my upstairs. What I thought was going to take us 30 minutes, took us 3 hours. My goal was to finish moving the furniture to the attic and cellar so as to make room for our remodeling. Somehow, unbeknownst to me, the furniture had mass produced.

The trips to the cellar seemed endless. I became frustrated and angry for several reasons.

#1 I was angry that I had to work this hard. I have cancer and I should be resting. Ya, right! The world does not stop because you get sick. Wake-up Trisha! You know that.

#2 I was angry that my body hurt. My legs ached and I was out of breath. How dare my body betray me. I had things to do and the poison within me was trying to stop me.

#3 I was angry that I had accumulated so much stuff. I know that I am repeating myself. You all have read about my collection of crap.
Actually, I am repeating myself alot these days. Due to my chemo brain I forget what I have said and I say it again.
Did I already say that?
Gail told me that when I converse with her on the phone, I sometimes tell her the same story 3 times. I hate people that do that and now I am one of those people. Yuk. Shoot me if I continue this repetitious behavior once I am cured.

I am way off track.

So there we were on a Saturday, moving furniture and stuff. I was overwhelmed, bitching, and threatening to quit. The usual, agreeable Marianne, was transformed into this little, persistent, stubborn woman. She refused to let me quit. She knew I needed to get the job done and she would not submit to my tirades. I tried to convince her to put off 'til tomorrow, what should be done today, but to no avail.

Marianne has done that for me many times in the past 3 months.

Often, I try to end a story without finishing. Marianne will tell me to back-up and explain. She wants the details, so that she can figure out what I am really saying. She sticks it out until the end; until it makes sense. She has more patience than a saint.

I on the otherhand, tend to jump right in. Sometimes without much thought. Most of the time, it works. Usually, I can accomplish amazing things without any fussin'. But, I am not me right now.
It is very reassuring when my friends jump right in and take over.
I actually love it when someone else takes the lead.
As long as I trust and love them; I will follow.

Marianne took the lead on Saturday. Usually she doesn't do things until she is ready and when she is ready...watch out! She too, will not take "no" for an answer. I learned that on Saturday.

Currently Marianne is ending a 40 year relationship, caring for her 90 year-old mother, running her own consulting business and dealing with a Bitchy Broad with Breast Cancer!

Now, back to Saturday.

We finally finished around 3:p.m.
Marianne was heading out the door on her way home to try and tackle her own agenda.
I told her of my plans to reward myself with a Bloody Mary. Within seconds, Marianne decided that she would participate in my reward program.

And that is when I made my discovery.
Bloody Marys are a wonderful thing.

I love concocting Bloody Marys and I am particularly good at making them to order.
I can tailor a Bloody Mary to one's own specific needs and tastes.

I set up a Bloody Mary station on the island in my kitchen and the Emeril in me transpired.
My own personal preference is as follows:
* Good Vodka, Clamato Juice, Multiple Splashes of V-8, Dashes of Tobasco
* Gently swirled in a shaker and lovingly poured into the perfect chosen glass
* Garnished with a lovely, leafy stalk of celery and a green olive
* Topped with freshly ground pepper and a sprinkle of salt!
Muuuummmmmmm.

When the right mood hits, a Bloody Mary is the perfect solution to thirst, hunger, and pain.
On Saturday afternoon, I reclined in the infamous black leather chair and was seduced by Bloody Mary.

I proceeded to have Mary join me in my tub. She lavished me with splendor and I became immersed in suds and liquor.
My legs were free of pain and my head was quiet.
The waters were calm and the waves within my body had stilled.
I wasn't buzzed. I was revived, yet relaxed.
Life was good again.

A new Mary joined me on my front porch and she and I had a photo session with Jenna.
I had decided to adorn myself in my new auburn wig and surprise Greg with a new look for our dinner date.

Mary, Jenna and I had a great time on the porch as you can see from the pictures below.

I left Mary at home that night. However, she was with me in spirit.
I went to dinner with Greg and I was Cancer Free on Saturday night.

I wish that I could have fun with Mary more often, but I know that she is not the answer to my problems.
But on Saturday, Bloody Mary along with Patient Marianne, was the perfect solution and a perfect friend.

.

Long time no see.

2008-03-31T20:49:00.037-04:00

Hi Everybody.
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.
I've been busy.
Which is good.
I guess.

You've waited a long time to see me.
Here I am.
What d'ya think?

This is... me with my Strawberry-Blonde wig.
This is...the only picture that made it into the Blog.
This is...As good as it gets.

Hummmmnnnn...
...As good as it gets.
Pleeeeaaassse don't let it be true.

Anyway...
...I just wanted to pop in and let you see that I am still here and that there is more to come.
You'll see.
But not today.
I am busy and tired right now.

Furthermore...
...I refuse to believe that this is As good as it gets, so you will see me again.
I might not look the same. I might have different colored hair or no hair at all, but you'll recognize me.
I'll be the one sporting a smile.

It's all good...
... and it has to get better.

I have to get better.

See ya later.

.

You've Got Me Cryin'

2008-03-26T06:25:00.033-04:00

It is 6:30 a.m. and I just finished reading the 5 comments from yesterday's Blog (Potato Head).
I started out laughing and now you've got me cryin'!
This is why I love you.
You all "get" me and furthermore you all love me despite knowing me.
(Do I sound like Sally Field?)

Anyway...

...Now Liz. Are you not the cutest thing ever? How awesome is it for me to be able to walk into a doctor's office that has intentional plans of poisoning me, and be delighted to see all of you? You would think I would dread the weekly shots, the blood draws, and the chemo, but no, I don't.
I walked into the office yesterday and was fueled by YOUR smile and the smile of the lovely ladies around you.
(Now I am gushing and using my bathrobe sleeve to wipe my nose and tears.)

...Now Michele. Thank you for coming back into my life.
How amazing is it to know that someone who was my best friend in elementary school is now helping me to get through Cancer?
Your succinct, humorous, dry, sarcastic, insightful comments and emails provide me with happiness and inspiration.
(Now I am actually sobbing. Don't make me get up and get a kleenex.)

...Now Leslie. How wonderful is it that YOU actually thank ME for visiting YOU?
And to be told that I was the highlight of your day...week...month?!!
And to be told I looked great?!!
Maybe Stacey and Clinton would have been impressed, but I thought I looked like a hooker. (Now, keep in mind that I wore this same outfit 5 months ago to work, but I think it took on a whole new meaning with the wig.)

I think your best comment yesterday was when you said, "Is it just me finding this out now or did everyone always know that you could write?"
My father would be so happy to know that people are enjoying my journalistic outlet.

Believe me, I was thrilled that my chemo brain figured out that my radiation appointment was just a few miles down the street from your workplace.
Maybe it was Divine Intervention that led me to you yesterday.
Perhaps someone was trying to help me to replace some of that anger with the feel-good emotions.

Thank you Les and thank you God for Les.

...Now Beth. I hate the fact that at the age of 51, I still need permission to have my feelings.
But, for some reason, I do.
So, I want to thank you for validating my emotions.
I am sure Joie Steele, my former therapist could enlighten me further, but for now I am happy to have you, my friend, telling me, I am normal.

...Now Joelle. That was the best Hot Fudge Sundae I have ever had! I am so glad that I super-sized it, so as to avoid the embarrassment of having to order two sundaes.
Thank you for coming to my rescue, emotionally and physically.
However, I am not sure it was necessary for you to tell the patrons sitting behind us that I had cancer. Perhaps you were trying to validate my need for the super-size or perhaps you were boasting.
Yes, boasting.
I know that you now understand what I said to you after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in November.
I told you that I was proud to be a part of a group of women that were somehow "chosen" to fight this battle.
You were appalled at my comment, but now I think you understand.
I think you are proud of me and you are proud of yourself, because you are helping me to win this battle.

While I am here I must mention a few more things.

Joelle loves my wig. In fact, I think she is my biggest wig-fan. However, Joelle loves for me to show off my bald head. In fact she begged me to whip off the wig in Friendly's. While at the same time, she urged me to hide my cleavage. Trust me, the cleavage thing was not intentional. The "Betty's" did not want to stay put. They have been through alot and were looking for normal attention, I suppose.

One more thing.
I wasn't aware that other people were allowed to use my Cancer Card, but I guess it makes sense. All of you are suffering with my disease in one way or another. So, feel free to use my Cancer Card. It has 0% financing, but hopefully it will expire soon. So use it while you can!
(My face is soaked with tears, my head is waterlogged and I am laughing.)

...Now Barbara. I am sad that my Blog readers can't see the "behind the scenes" comments that I get through emails.

I received an email from my "work friend" Barbara yesterday and it was the last thing I read before I went to sleep. I am not sure if it was the Ambien or the email, but I fell asleep fast and I slept through the whole night.

I will end my Blog with her comment, because it just goes to show you that a simple gesture or a kind word, goes a long way.

Hi Little potato head ! your blog makes me laugh - You still have your sense of humor and I know some days It must be so very hard to get through the day ! I miss you - miss our morning quick chatter with each other ! Stay focused - NAH - don't stay focused - better that you do not remember all the shi. right ! chat soon....your friend Barbara!!!!!

I probably won't remember most of this shit, but I hope I always remember to appreciate all of you.

Your Friend,
Trisha

.

Potato Head

2008-03-25T08:41:00.030-04:00

Hey.
This is not going to be good. I am not a happy camper/blogger.
This is going to be quick. I don't have much time.

Today I am going to meet with a Radiation Oncologist to discuss the Radiation Treatment that I will receive when I am finished with chemo. I also have my usual Tuesday appointment at my oncologist office in Weymouth. This is when they check my blood levels, including my red and white cell counts. I had chemo last Tuesday and it went well, even though I wasn't all that prepared. But hey, that's me. I always start off with good intentions. I get organized, prepared, and then eventually it all falls apart. But that's ok, because eventually I start all over again. I think that has something to do with ADD and OCD. Personally, I think those two diagnosis contradict each other, which explains me to a tea. I am a walking contradiction.

I will have to save my psycho analysis babble for another time when I have more time. Or, perhaps it is time for me to make an appointment to go see Joie Steele (my favorite therapist). I thought I was done with counseling years ago, but new shit pops up all the time. And boy do I have alot of shit!

OK...where was I???
Have I told you that I have chemo brain? My memory was never good, but now it really sucks. I have very little recollection of my hospital stay and for the life of me, I cannot remember any of the meals that I had in the hospital. For me not to remember food is scary.

Speaking of food, last night I ate 6 small bags of Cape Cod Potato Chips with my Ambien. You are not going to believe this, but the potato chips actually seem to help my indigestion.
Really.
OK, don't believe me.
They sure tasted good.

I have only gained 7lbs since starting my treatment, which is good. However, my flesh has turned to flab due to not exercising. I am not a couch potato, (except when I am eating my Cape Cod Potato Chips on the couch), but I cannot seem to get to a gym. I am extremely active considering my energy level, but not active enough to generate muscle.

Now Trisha, try to remember the point of this Blog.
Think.
I can't. I am on overload. Totally scattered. Going in so many different directions. Trying to take care of my house, trying to refinance my house, trying to get Jenna into college, trying to remain positive in the midst of alot of anger and tears.
And the worst part of all...
I am so angry that there are three of us with cancer.
Most of all, I am so angry that Paula is faced with this shit.
Ya know, this sucks.

What's the point?
I don't remember.
I'll figure it out tomorrow when I have more time. Eventually I will remember the good stuff and maybe I won't be so angry.

But for right now, I am just an angry, flabby Potato Head that thinks this shit sucks!

.

Small Prayers

2008-03-22T22:03:00.054-04:00

Having trouble falling asleep...again.
Not feeling well. Actually, I feel horrible. My head hurts, my legs ache, I have heartburn, I'm cold, I'm hot.
I'm complaining.
Moving on.

Greg and I went to dinner tonight at Mama Mia's on the Waterfront. For some reason, along with hot crusty rolls with real butter, tomatoes are tasting mighty good to me these days. Bloody Marys are the only alcohol based drink that appeals to me. I must have a tomato in my grilled cheese sandwich or any sandwich for that matter. Campbell's Tomato Soup made with milk and inundated with Ritz Crackers is my idea of a gourmet meal.

Today was a rough day. I hurt.
Again, I'm complaining. I am aware.
Moving on.

I was blessed with a long night's sleep. I woke up at 7:a.m. and had coffee with Cathy via e mail. I checked my Blog for my daily "fix" of comments. None. Boo Hoo.
Then I just sipped my coffee and tried to figure out how to be productive without moving. Although I had slept 10 hours, I did not feel revived and I had no energy.
I resorted to paying bills on-line, which proved to be very rewarding, considering I actually had enough money to pay my bills. That's always good.

Although I am lucky enough to receive Short Term Disability Pay, the difference in my paycheck is scary. Now I am not begging for sympathy or for donations; truly I am not. However, I would strongly advise anyone reading this to make sure you are taking advantage of STD and LTD pay programs that your company offers or that you can buy into.

While paying bills, I worked up an appetite. I wanted scrambled eggs and toast. The problem was, how was I going to get it? The thought of venturing towards the kitchen and actually preparing a meal was overwhelming. Greg was at work, so he was safe. I did not want to wake Jenna, because that could be scarier than starving to death. I thought of calling Lovely Linda, because I knew she would drop everything and do anything for me. But then I remembered Linda would be preparing for her Family's Easter Feast. Marianne was en route to Connecticut to care for her mother, so she was not an option.

Now I know this sounds ridiculous. It must seem pathetic that I could not complete such a minor task. However, Paula will vouch for me. She understands. Recently she and I had a discussion about how just reaching for a bottle of water an arm's length away, can be overwhelming. Well, my legs ached and I was frozen with lethargy. Justifiable or not, I should not care.

Luckily, Jenna walked into my bedroom just in time to find me curled up under my covers, starving and weeping (I admit, in self pity.) Jenna provided the perfect remedy. She squeezed in next to me on the edge of the bed and gave me a badly needed hug. With a smile, she then offered to make me scrambled eggs and toast. Talk about small prayers being answered.

That is what this journey has been like for me.
Small prayers being answered on a daily basis.

For Example...
...SueAnn showing up in my bedroom with a baggy of herb-lax at just the right moment.
...Marianne coming to my rescue with a grocery bag of very moving material.
...Cathy being in the right place at the right time and paying my $6.50 Kohl bill.
...Doreen sending me a card with personally written, loving words of our connection.
...Anne leaving a Hydrangea surrounded in a pot of fescue on my kitchen counter to commemorate the first day of Spring.
...Gail and her endless supply of nighties, goodies, and advice.
...Mark (my neighbor) offering me prune juice and his Big Shoulders.
...Beth and her always positive attitude and humor.
...Aunt Martha and Nancy's calls, cards and concern.
...Kristi's home-cooked meals and smiles.
...Jack offering his time and energy to tear up my carpet and make my life easier.
...Paula calling to check up on me.
...AND
...Debbie calling me "brave".

Just a few examples of...
...Small Prayers being heard and answered.

I'm not complaining, for I am blessed with Angels on Earth.

.

In Loving Memory of My Mother

2008-03-18T20:20:00.034-04:00

I am writing this Blog in honor of my mother, Ruth J. Swanson who passed away nine years ago today after a long, stormy battle with Ovarian Cancer.

My mother and I used to sing this wonderful song together as she played the piano in the cellar, in between doing laundry.
I stood beside her and we sang this beautiful duet.
My mother taught me the song version from the musical Carousel, sung by Gordon McRae and Shirley Jones.

I would like to share this song and this special memory with all of you - My Very Special Readers.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Tho' your dreams
Be tossed and blown

Walk on..
Walk on..
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Walk on..
Walk on..
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone.

http://www.ladynwavsone.com/whenyouwalk.html

My mother walked through many storms in her life.
She walked through the rain and the wind, just as I am doing now.
I wanted the sun to come out today and I was blessed with the sunny memory of my mother and the knowlege that she made it to the golden sky.

I know that I am not walking alone. My mother is helping me to hold my head up high and I am trying very hard to not be afraid of the dark.
I am not ready for the golden sky, but I will walk on with hope in my heart.

Thank you Mommy, for teaching me this song, singing it with me, and creating an everlasting memory of hope.

.

Mama Said

2008-03-17T20:35:00.021-04:00

Going to bed now.
Chemoclass tomorrow.
Not very prepared. No lunch packed. No outfit planned.
Didn't do my homework, but I'll see if I can get an extension.
Looking forward to seeing Vickie, my chemo buddy.
Not looking forward to my third treatment, as I hear this is when it gets bad.

Amanda is taking me to school. (Thanks Panda.)
Jenna is taking her break from work and bringing lunch to me.
Joelle is picking me up after school and taking me home.

Had a busy day. Lots of phone calls and aggravation. Cleaned the house and got rid of more clutter. (In an OCD mood, I guess.) Cooked a good, healthy supper. Unfortunately I had Tapioca Pudding as an appetizer while waiting for Greg to get home from work. Even worse, I had Yodels for dessert. (In my defense, I did not bring the Yodels into the home.)

I am exhausted, nauseous, and disgusted with myself.

Mama said they'll be days like this, they'll be days like this my Mama said. (The Shirelles.)

Annie said there's always Tomorrow.

Trisha says, "The sun had better come out!"

.

You asked for it!

2008-03-15T17:40:00.013-04:00

Here it is. The Smiling Bald Picture you requested.

Notice the new crisp white windbreaker? A Birthday Present from my college room-mates, Cathy and SueAnn. They came over yesterday and continued my Birthday Celebration. Sixteen days later and the Bald Birthday Princess Rocks On!
.

Energize Me

2008-03-15T09:35:00.052-04:00

Good Morning.

It is a lovely, rainy Saturday morning. The sun is not shining, but it is a beautiful day. The Earth is taking a shower. It too needs to be refreshed, revived, and energized, just like me.

I awoke this morning to my JH thermos filled with freshly brewed black coffee placed on my bedside table. Ahhh....the smell of coffee is a wonderful thing. Thank you Greg for these small acts of kindness.

I did not sleep well last night. My legs ached and my stomach was bluffing me with nausea. I took my Rx of Lorazepam, but it did not help me sleep. I decided to end the agony and just get up. I rewarded myself by submerging underwater in my infamous tub. The natural "surround sound" was music to my ears. I love listening to rain and wind when I know that my kids are indoors, safe and sound.

I soaked in the tub and counted the many blessings that this Saturday morning had to offer, including the coffee.
With each sip, I became more alert and more aware of my gratitude for the crew that is taking this journey with me.

Each morning I am blessed to have coffee with Cathy via e-mail. She is snug under her covers enjoying her Ice Coffee. Jim faithfully gets up at 4:a.m. and travels to MaryLous News at 5:a.m. to get his beloved her Ice Coffee. I shiver under my own covers as I read of her sipping her cold coffee and am grateful that I am enjoying HOT Brewed Maxwell House Coffee that Greg has fetched from the kitchen down the hall.
Cathy reminisces in her e-mail about her daily agenda and it comforts me to know that routines still exist.

Another daily blessing are the e-mails I receive from work. It is nice to know that I am remembered and missed. MY routine used to be to arrive at JH by 6:30 a.m. so that I could get an early start on my work. My peers would drift in and I would enjoy our morning exchanges. Despite their busy schedule and workload, they take the time to send me an e-mail.

My co-workers bless me with real mail too. Whether it be Eileen's funny, sweet cards and notes, Kathie's thoughtful cards and stories, Barbara's inspirational cards and messages, Sheila's spiritual cards and words or Sandy's stylish, funny cards; their all good and they keep me feeling connected.

I feel blessed when people take the time to read my Blog and care enough to follow my journey. I am not always able to talk to everyone individually about my daily tribulations and escapades, so it is nice to be able to share it through my Blog. I would love to see you all and talk about my journey, but everyone is soooo busy with work, with relationships, with life.

I am so grateful for people's comments in my Blog. Your words provide me with energy to go on and on and on. There are days when this bunny just wants to collapse, but all it takes is a comment on my Blog and I am energized. Thank you.

I was recently blessed with a visit from two friends from work. Venus, Patti and Patti's Angel, Rachel visited me at my home last Saturday. I am not sure if I ever truly thanked Patti for being there next to me last November, on the day I got the call from the doctor informing me that I had Cancer. Patti stood by me as I cried, screamed, panicked and she never once judged my lunatic behavior. She also never left my side until she knew I was safe and sound. Thank you Patti.

As for Venus, she is just the coolest girlfriend. Venus, you can come and see me anytime and I will make you my special shrimp!
Rachel, you can come over and play with me anytime too. I knew you when you were in your mommy's tummy. Your Mom was the sexiest pregnant woman I have ever known.

This bunny is getting tired now, so I will have to praise my other beloved friends and family on another day. I think you know who you are, because I have been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.
Please know that all of you who are reading this, are in my thoughts too.

Enjoy the rain. May you and the Earth be revived, refreshed and energized by this shower on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Bald in Hospital - Series 1

2008-03-13T19:57:00.043-04:00

OK, so I am bald. nbd
The bad news is that my bald head looks better than the rest of me.

Is it a compliment when a saleswoman tells me I look better without a hat?
Did I mention she sells hats?

I got home from the hospital on Tuesday and Jenna has finally helped me post some pictures.
Jenna tried taking some nude shots of me in my Beautiful Tub surrounded by LOTS OF BUBBLES, but she was too busy laughing to get anything worth posting. The concept was good and I'm sure Suzanne Somers could have made it work.

Before viewing the pictures I would just like to share a few of my personal observations about being bald.

*I am glad that the hair falling out part is over. So over. So glad.
*I don't like sleeping bald. It hurts and my head gets cold.
*I am not crazy about sleeping with a hat, but I guess there is some kind of apparel that I can put on for comfort. (Looking into that.)
*I save a lot of time getting ready in the morning. No more combing, styling, and drying my hair. Luckily this gives me extra time to find more wrinkles, which seem to be accumulating daily. (Could it be the stress? Do ya think?!)

HOWEVER I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT BEING BALD BECAUSE...

...Taking a shower feels great. The water hitting the back of my head and the nape of my neck is amazing.

I don't think I ever appreciated the nape of my neck and I must admit I have found new meaning to giving a hand job. It is so soothing and refreshing to take my right hand and palm and slowly slide it down the back of my head to the nape of my neck. I finish by cupping my hand in the hollow of my neck and I am warmed within.

Maybe this Cancer/Bald/Perimenopausal thing is the start of a new adolescence for me. I actually think I heard that on Oprah last week. Seriously. Menopause is the new adolescence. Something like that. You know me, I have trouble Just Listening. But as you also know, I'm workin' on it. Man, I am workin' on just way too much these days. Must slow down on all this self-introspection-stuff.

Anyway, here are the long anticipated pictures of me...BALD.

Unfortunately, you are only getting the Bald in Hospital Series in this blog.
My tech wizard is very impatient and very tired tonight, so I couldn't push her for more. I do appreciate her ingenuity and her wonderful sense of humor. Thank you Jenna. xoxo.

BALD IN HOSPITAL
(Series 1)

"That's all Folks!"

.

Detour: Go directly to Hospital. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

2008-03-09T21:36:00.056-04:00

Just a quick blog to let you know that my Self Portrait Photo Exhibition has been postponed.

Some of you might think that I am stalling, but please be assured that I am so very past this hair thing. However, I will still share my hair evolution exhibition - soon.
In the words of my sister Paula, "Hair is Sooooooooo overrated."
We'll talk more about hair (or lack there of) later and I will deliver pictures.

My Journey in Cancer Land took a detour on Saturday. I noticed that my incisions from my port had become red and raised, which may indicate an infection. I called my oncologist's office answering service. Dr. Basille called me right back and asked questions and then instructed me to take a road trip to the Emergency Room at South Shore Hospital in Weymouth.

The Concierge and Triage Nurse that greeted me at S.S. Hospital were both Beautiful Breast Cancer Survivors. They were able to provide great insight into the many ammenities the hospital and life after cancer have to offer. They also were sensitive to my need to be seen quickly.

I was examined in Urgent Care by a doctor, as bald as me. He ordered lots of blood to be drawn. Some was taken from my port and some from my arm. The blood drawn from my port will be checked to see if the port is infected. The two bottles of blood will be cultured for 48 hours. I also had some blood tests to determine my counts immediately.

WE INTERUPT THIS BLOG WITH AN IMPORTANT EDUCATIONAL EXCERPT FROM BREAST CANCER.ORG.

"A potentially serious side effect of chemotherapy is febrile neutropenia, a fever caused by a lower-than-normal white blood cell count. White blood cells are part of your immune system. The two kinds of immune cells that are most helpful in protecting you against infection are neutrophils (mature white blood cells) and bands (brand new ones that are not quite fully mature). These cells are very sensitive to chemotherapy, and their counts drop when you have chemotherapy. With fewer immune cells to protect you, your risk of infection increases."

"If you develop a fever of 100.5 Fahrenheit or higher and your white blood cell counts are low (under 1,000 neutrophils and bands combined), then your doctor will assume that you have an infection. You will be hospitalized to receive intravenous (IV) antibiotics and medicine to help build up the immune cell counts."

Well my fever was only 99, but my Neutrophil count was 200. The ER doctor called my Oncologist who instructed him to admit me to the hospital. I am being treated with I.V. antibiotics to fight off any infection. I am also being given shots to boost my white blood cell count and Tylenol for leg and head pain.

So, here I am. I took a detour and ended up in this "Hospital Hotel" that serves meals in bed, gives me drugs, and it only costs $100 a night. I have a private room, my own TV, room service and an adjustable bed. I don't have to clean anything. The only downfall is that I get stuck with needles ALOT!

I would like to add, that I walked into the hospital without wearing a hat or my wig.
It felt great. ("See how she's grown. Lady Godiva..." - The Beatles.)
I think they gave me a private room in order to reduce the risk of infection, but maybe they were trying to prevent any possible room-mate nightmares!
...just kidding

Seriously...
Throughout my journey, I cross paths on a daily basis with Breast Cancer Survivors and their sidekicks. Our stories provide inspiration for each other, as well as instant gratification for me. Their tales of strength and courage helps to fuel my Journey through Cancer Land.

While on my Journey, I never know when I am going to have to take a detour or an unexpected side trip. This particular detour provided a safe alternate route. I am starting to feel better. I will know my test results soon and my next destination. I was suppose to go meet with a new Oncologist on Monday about my radiation treatment, but I will have to travel that road another day.

I am just delighted that this detour provided me with the medical attention my body needed and the rest it so deserved. I take great happiness in knowing that good treatment comes from the dedicated staff and caring people that I met on this journey.

It's now Monday morning. Dr. Freter just came in and woke me up. He examined me and told me that he is booking me for another day in this "hotel" as it is important to raise my white blood cell count higher. No protest from moi. Home is nice, but I'm really liking the change in venue and the escape from responsibilities.

Detours protect travelers from dangers that are in their path. I am so glad that I was led in a different direction, and was comforted and treated by the medical staff at South Shore Hospital "Hotel".

Please be aware that reservations are not requred, but illness is expected.

.

YUK! - The Sequel to Eeeeek

2008-03-06T18:54:00.012-05:00

A passionate comedy about a woman caught between looking like her Mother and her long lost Uncle Fester.

Due to be released Sunday, March 9, 2008.

(Previews of coming attractions. Believe me, it gets worse.)

.

Project Runaway

2008-03-05T23:37:00.023-05:00

I decided to runaway from cancer for a little while. I tuned into the final episode of Project Runway.
It was the best hour I have spent in a long time.
My mind was totally focused on Jillian, Rami and Christian. I was eager to see who would win the competition, because as Heidi says, "Only one of you can win."

I love it when you get "into" a good TV show or a good book and become so absorbed that you forget your troubles.

I really liked Jillian's clothes, but her flat affect bothered me and she was a whiner.
Rami's designs were repetitious and things just come too easy to him.
I liked Christian. He is so creative and his designs were awesome. I like his facial expressions and I love watching his body language. I especially love Christian's sense of humor and the way he speaks.

Christian is so FIERCE.

Which brings me to the point of this blog.
I am FIERCE.
FIERCE is me.
Do you not agree?

Definition:
1: Fierce - violently hostile or aggressive in temperament b: given to fighting or killing : pugnacious (combative nature)
EXAMPLE:
Trisha returning items to a store.
Trisha "sticking up" for her kids and/or the "underdog".
Trisha fighting cancer.

2: Fierce - marked by unrestrained zeal or vehemence b: extremely vexatious, disappointing, or intense
EXAMPLE:
Trisha loving.
Trisha not being loved.
Trisha not getting what she wants.
Trisha fighting cancer.

3: Fierce - furiously active or determined
EXAMPLE:
Trisha cleaning.
Trisha shopping.
Trisha getting the job done.
Trisha fighting cancer.

4: Fierce - wild or menacing in appearance
EXAMPLE:
Trisha first thing in the morning.
Trisha bald and fighting cancer.

Heidi was wrong.
There's going to be more than one winner...
... and we are both FIERCE.

Cast your vote today.

.

What day is today?

2008-03-01T19:52:00.011-05:00

I remember Wednesday because it was my Birthday and it was a good day.

I think the next day was Thursday and I remember a few things.
I slept alot and nibbled on doggy bags in bed. I finally took a shower late in the day, but only because I wanted to see what my new haircut looked like. Vanity is good motivation.
I remember feeling like I had a hangover, but I knew that was not possible since I had not consumed any alcohol.
I was so tired and full of aches and pains.
On Thursday, I felt like I had cancer.

Friday was not very different. Again, I remained nestled in my bed. I wrote about Lulu in my Blog, so I know I accomplished something. Anne came over in the late afternoon after work and joined me under my covers. We dined on Cornflakes with Raisins. She listened, we laughed, we talked of cancer; her former cancer, and my cancer of present day. A good time was had by all.

Joelle arrived early Friday evening and cooked Greg and I our Belated Birthday Dinner. It was good except the peas tasted like something grown on Mars, the mashed potatoes did not swish well in my mouth and the hamburg was...different. Funny though, no one else noticed this queer cuisine.

Joelle gave me a beautiful display of hats, scarves, earrings and necklaces for my birthday. She has such nice taste in accessories. She tried to talk me into letting her shave my head, but my hair is lasting longer than expected. It is still coming out, but in shorter pieces.

Friday ended early. I know I am tired when I can't stay awake for The Ghost Whisperer.

OK - So then came Saturday. Another day filled with nausea, aches, and pains. I wasn't quite as tired.
I still had cancer.
I awoke early and took a nice bath and got ready in about 15 minutes. This hair thing saves alot of time.
I picked up Gail and Paula and we drove to Saint Brendan Church in Dorchester.

Saturday I had a purpose.
I prayed to God for Robert John the II who only spent a few hours on this Earth. However, I know that part of his soul will stay in the hearts of his parents until they all meet again.
The Mass was beautiful and despite the mother's grief, her face glowed with pride and radiated the church.
Karen is a special person.

I arrived home and made a mad dash around the house with the vacuum. My bedroom and bathroom had become a hair haven. I put the house back in order and all was right with my world.
Joelle and I watched a movie; Across the Universe. Strange movie, but the music and company were good.
Greg, Joelle and I went to Mama Mias for supper. Must stop with the rolls and butter. Unfortunately, they still taste good.
Crawled into bed at 7:30. Would have sworn it was Midnight.
I was so sore. Everything ached.
My head feels like the head of a Porcupine. My short hair is prickling my scalp.

So, I have now accounted for the past few days. Thank you Blog.

I know what day it is and what days have passed.

Although not much has been accomplished, I know that I existed.
I need to accept that there are going to be days of fatigue. I will feel my body crying out the effects of chemo. Some days are going to remind me that I am sick.

I will lose track of time, but I will not lose track of living.

.

Lulu at 51

2008-02-29T09:52:00.011-05:00

My BirthDAY was awesome. Of course it's not really over.
Today is Friday, February 29th, so officially it is still within the party week time zone.
I am still receiving drifts of good wishes and presents. Visitors are still welcome.

It's never too late...
...to celebrate!

Lunch with my sisters was awesome. We went to Albertos in Hyannis, which is one of Debbie's favorite spots. Our waiter was a drop-dead gorgeous man of Mexican descent.
(We are trying to arrange a dowry.)
We splurged with cocktails and appetizers. Debbie and Gail had Cosmos, while Paula had some special ale.
I resorted to ginger ale, as liquor and I are not really on drinking terms right now.

The food was delicious, although I was only able to eat a few bites. (Such a rare occurance for moi.)
We had several patrons pass by our table to wish us a Happy Birthday. One woman wished us good health. My sisters stifled me before I could elaborate on that one!

Paula, the non-birthday girl, treated us to this magnificent lunch. TY Schnoots!

I was the DD, funny huh?
Even our ride home was filled with laughter. Who knew that a side trip for Tums could be so much fun?

Gail referred to me as "LuLu" (To Sir, With Love), so I know my dress worked.
I felt pretty, oh so pretty and witty and bright...(West Side Story).

Upon returning home, Greg had transformed the living room into a chic candlelit oasis. An engraved bottle of Chardonnay adorned the buffet of appetizers. Birthday cards from friends and family lined the table. The fireplace was lit and the music warmed the room.
Best of all, were Greg and Jenna's smiling faces.
I opened presents and soaked up the ambiance and love.

This would have been enough for me, but a little later I was whisked into my coach and brought to my favorite local restaurant, Solstice.
We were escorted to a special table set for The Birthday Princess.
A Pink Fluffy Birthday Hat and cupcake papers filled with The Special Candies graced the table.
Again...this is why I love this man.
I was able to eat the best roll and butter I have ever tasted. My meal was nicely packaged for its travel home.

The night ended at the Beauty Salon in my bedroom. Jenna cut my hair - SHORT. It actually looks kinda cute. I think it was a relief to Greg, because he has never seen me with such short hair. So, now he knows that there is hope after bald.

We concluded the evening in bed with French Vanilla Birthday Cake iced with Milk Chocolate Frosting accompanied by decaf coffee.

I'll tell ya, what more could a girl want?

Life is Good.

Love,
Lulu

.

Round Two - Part II

2008-02-27T07:28:00.014-05:00

Tuesday - February 26, 2008
(Written this morning, 2/27/08)

8:a.m. - Showered. Lightly washed my hair. Dried off. Checked drain. Removed large clump of dark, red soaked locks. Small eeek.
8:05 a.m. - Drenched skin in oils to combat the winter scales and to prepare for upcoming Radiation that will make my left breast look like a prune (a large luscious prune. Can prunes be luscious?)
8:10 a.m. - Caressed my face with dermatologically proven ingredients to smooth away fine lines and make me look ten years younger that my new age of 51!
(Must focus on the face and smile AND of course my inner beauty!)
8:15 a.m. - Quick make-up job. Coloring was good today, so did not need much.
8:20 a.m. - Third outfit worked ok. Black scoop-neck shirt and black herring bone knit pants, inherited from my stylish, sexy niece Kelley. Short black heeled boots. Lisa's birthday bracelet. All matched well with my Beatle Lunchbox.
8:40 a.m. - Gathered my lunch, my book, my pocketbook and my JH mug of hot, black coffee.
I was good to go.
8:45 a.m. - Lovely Linda is always punctual.
She escorted me to her car and off we went to Weymouth for chemo class. Right on time.
8:55 a.m. - Stopped at DD and got donuts. Not one bit tempting for Linda or me. (We have been very good girls. Linda has lost 40 pounds and looks great.)
9:30 a.m. - Arrived at Stetson Building in Weymouth. Curbside service. TY Linda. xo

Let Chemo Class Begin
9:35 a.m. - Greeted with beautiful smiles from the lovely blondes and redhead seated within their protective glass enclosed dome.
Paid co-payment.
Took a quick seat.
Called in for class.
Blood work drawn.
Blood Levels up. Looks good enough to have chemo again. Dr. F has the final word.
Blood Pressure and weight checked. Down 4 pounds. (yipee)

TIME OUT.
GREG JUST BROUGHT ME BREAKFAST IN BED. MUSHROOM, TOMATO AND SWISS CHEESE OMELET WITH A SIDE OF THIN CRISP ASPARAGUS. GARNISHED WITH SLICED ORANGE AND APPLES. A VASE OF DELICATE FLOWERS AND A FRESH CUP OF BLACK COFFEE.
NOW THIS IS LIVING.
(I had to have him take half of it away, as the sight of too much food makes me quite nauseas.)
DELICIOUS. He makes a great breakfast. Comes from his days as a Restauranteer.

Continued

10:00 a.m. - Met with Dr. Freter. Full examination. (Must see about a johnnie that fully closes around my breasts.)
Dr. Freter was very pleased with my report of feeling great, other than burping, burping and burping. Was sorry to hear about the flu, but not concerned as it was not related to chemo.
CLEARED FOR CHEMO TO COMMENCE.

Nurse Robin shot the needle line into my Port. Nice job. I then chose my recliner (next to Vickie's recliner.) I got hooked up to my pole buddy and settled in.
Room was full of older people today. A pre-birthday perk. (Although Vickie is under the 50 radar.)
Robin and Beth set me up with my medications. We skipped the Benadryl, which was great, since I had a reaction to it last time. No restless legs or chest pains this time. They gave me Dexamethasone I.V. first, then Tagamet I.V. to fight the side effects of chemo. After each I.V. bag is finished a bell dings and that means it is time for another bag to start dripping down the tube into my port, which brings it to my jugular vein, which carries it throughout my body.
I was then given my Chemo Cocktails; Taxotere and then Cytoxin. No garnishes were offerred, so I treated myself to the Bazooka gum from my Beatle lunchbox. I bet I looked real cute and classy blowing bubbles.

Vickie took pictures. Will post them later, when Jenna (my art editor) is available.(I AM TRYING TO RUSH THIS AS I HAVE ERRANDS TO DO BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION CONTINUES. MUST GO BACK LATER AND CORRECT SPELLING AND ADD PICTURES.)

Debbie picked my up at 1:00 and after a round of introductions, we left at 1:15.
Short and Sweet.

I had a tough night.
Sharp stomach pains left over from the flu, I think.
I was exhausted, since I had only slept 3 hours last night.
HOWEVER...

TODAY IS MY SPECIAL DAY AND I FEEL GREAT.
Time to shower and put on my party dress. I bought a crazy, psychadelic jersey dress with a shiny fat black belt. Probably much too young for me, but hey, why not?
I think the hair will last two or three more days. Jenna is going to cut it tonight and try to give me a cute short hair-do. Then comes the shave. No eeking today.

Bye for now.
Sorry if this is boring. Will spice it up later...maybe.
Thought it was important to let CA patients know what to expect.
Of course everybody's treatment is different and peoples reactions are different. But this helps me and I hope it helps others, including my fans.

Love,
The Birthday Girl

.

Round Two

2008-02-26T07:25:00.019-05:00

Today is Tuesday, February 26, 2008.
This will be my second day of chemo class.
I am not nervous and I am prepared.
I am a good student - so far.

I did most of my homework for the past three weeks.
I've kept a positive attitude (only one outburst), ate well (a little too well sometimes), took medications as prescribed (more or less), and read (more than) the required material.

So, I am ready for Round Two.

Monday 2/25/08
10:p.m. - Took 5 tablets of Dexamethasone as directed. This drug helps to prepare my body for the side effects of chemo including nausea.
11:50 p.m. - Laid me down to Sleep. Prayed the Lord my soul to....

Tuesday 2/26/08
3:45 a.m. Took 5 more tablets of Dexamethasone as directed.
4:00 a.m. - Brewed Coffee.
4:05 a.m. - Made 1 Slice of French Toast.
4:15 a.m. - Turned stove vent on full blast, opened outside patio doors, turned ceiling fans on. Saved house from burning down. Phewww...
4:15 a.m. - Lit mantle candles. Watched Sex, Lies, and Videotapes. Ate French Toast. Drank Coffee. Reclined in Black Leather Chair Embraced by Chenille Throw. Ahhhhh.....
5:15 a.m. - Made more French Toast. Dumped cold coffee. Poured fresh cup. Mmmmmmm...
6:00 a.m. - Finished movie. James Spader is so pretty/handsome. I love pretty/ handsome. Hmmmmmm...
6:05 a.m. - Listening to Channel 414, Adult Alternative. Sting. Jackson Browne. Bonnie Raitt. Sheryl Crow. Ingrid Michaelson, "I love the way you call me baby
and you take me the way I am." Niiiice...

Not tired. Very relaxed. A lovely morning.

6:30 a.m. - Sent e mails to my angel next door, Kristi and Cherie my little friend at JH. Good Luck Ladies. Be free of pain soon.
6:40 a.m.- Drafting Blog.
7:00 a.m. - Stalling...Do not feel like moving from my comfy zone.
7:05 a.m. - Greg is up. Oh..oh..Greg is sick with...the stomach FLU this time. Poor Greg. Back to bed for Greg.
7:10 a.m. - Called Lovely Linda. She was more than happy to take me to chemo since Greg could not. I love Linda.

Time to get ready for chemo class.
Must leave here at 6:45. Stopping for donuts (none for me). Must continue to bribe(jk) the Teachers and Admin.
Looking forward to seeing Vickie, my chemo buddy. She had a birthday the day after my last treatment. Must discuss her celebration.

Speaking of BIRTHDAYS...
Did I mention that my birthday is tomorrow?
And Lisa's is tomorrow too.
Did I tell you that Gail's birthday is next Monday and Debbie's is next Wednesday?
And Greg's was Sunday.
As I said, Tis the Season for Birthdays.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
I received another early birthday present from my angel, Kristi.
Guess What?
A BEATLE LUNCHBOX!
Packed with Bazooka Gum, Swedish Fish, Hershey Kisses, and NONPAREILS!
I love Kristi....and The BEATLES.

7:34 a.m. - Published Post.
7:35 a.m. - Must stop.
7:36 a.m. - Stopping.
See ya after school.

.

Eeeeek!

2008-02-25T11:14:00.035-05:00

OK - So I was wrong. I am going to lose my hair.

I really thought I might not. Since I was not getting the Adriamycin as part of my chemo treatment, I thought I might escape going bald. I thought the TC combo (Taxotere Cytoxan) might just cause thinning.

However...
I was just in bed, on the phone with Marianne and I was lightly touching the top of my head, which I noticed had become sensitive. Entangled in my fingers was a mere lone strand of hair. No big deal.
I said to Marianne that I think I am losing my hair. She let out a muffled, painful scream of concern. I said, "It's ok. It's not a big deal."
I was so proud to think I was really ok with it.
As I was speaking, I lightly caressed the back of my head and looked in my hand.

"Eeeeek! Yuk! Ohhhh I guess I am not ok. I've gotta go Marianne." Click.

Me: Greg? Greeeeeg?
No answer.
I called him on his cell phone.
Me: Where are you?
Greg: In the driveway?
Me: It's happening. My hair is coming out.
Greg: I'll be right in.
Click.

Between muffled shrieks and teary eyes I proceeded to reenact my discovery for Greg. My poor stomach that had finally started to recover, was being upset again.
Greg watched with patience and passion in his eyes.
I told him I thought I was going to be ok with losing my hair, but it is scary and gross and I am not sure I will be ok.

At my request, moments later he was taking pictures of me in bed grimacing. (A perfect Kodak moment.) An hour later he was calling me Potato Head:)
And that is why I love this man.

Now I am sitting at my desk, typing my hair loss story, so that maybe someone reading this blog, that has cancer, can relate or know what to expect. As I type, I can't help but confirm that this is truly happening. I lightly pull fine clumps of hair from my head and hold them under the desk lamp, which illuminates them. The strands look quite pretty under the light. A very nice shade of red. It actually looks better in my hand under the light than on my head.

I'm good now.
It's out of my system.
I am sure that in a few days when I am completely bald I will have another reaction and need to eeeek again.
The good news is that I usually get over things pretty quickly.

Again, my sister Gail helped me to put things in perspective.
She had returned my call while I was typing this blog and we quickly talked about my Tendril Trauma.
She told me how she spent her day yesterday consoling a very dear friend that had lost her baby.
Oh Dear God.

Gail had no intention of minimizing my loss of hair by telling me the story of her friend's loss.
But it certainly did, as it should have.

Hair is hair.
Hair is just an added attraction. Without it, I will still be me.

Time out.
I like having hair and I think I will look gross bald. And looks ARE important. I want to be attractive. I am a woman. I like to be looked at and admired. I am vain.
I know that I am no great beauty, but with the right hair, clothes, make-up, it occasionally works.
What the f##k!?!

Step back.
Get a grip.
Remember....Beauty comes from within. Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Blah...Blah...Blah.
It is winter. I am pale. I am old, dry and wrinkled.
I am going to be 51 and bald!

Deep Breath.
Remember...Life is a constant battle.
A fight to figure out what is really important.

I know that I will probably compensate for this hair thing by trying to get my body in better shape. I will of course do the wig thing and the hat shopping. I will be fine with it.

More importantly...

I will think of Gail's dear friend and all of the greater loss that is sufferred on a daily basis.

I will count my blessings and be grateful for being strong enough to fight the cancer battle.

I will pray for all of you and your own private battles
and
I will pray for the people that lost the battle of life.

God Bless.

.

OUR Birthday

2008-02-23T12:18:00.048-05:00

Tis the Season...for Birthdays!
Deck the Halls, Strike up the Band, Let the Parties Begin!

Hip Hip Hooray
It's (almost) OUR Birthday!

Ya gotta love YOUR birthday. I mean what other day celebrates YOU better? This is YOUR special day and it only happens one day a year...unless you're ME.
I personally am able to make MY birthday last at least a week. But that one special day is the best.

I think my mother was responsible for making her daughters birthdays a national holiday. I wasn't always greeted with a "Good Morning" or even a happy face when I woke up each morning, but on MY birthday I was guaranteed a smile and a "Happy Birthday!" from my mother. In a household that was rarely a calm or cheerful place, a smile and an exuberant "Happy Birthday" went a long way.

Along with my mother's good mood, came a party or a special celebration. So many birthday parties were held at the dining room table (which is now MY dining room table). My favorite black and white photos are of birthday parties at this table. Shiny pointy hats with the painful elastics that fastened under your chin were part of the attire of the 'cuties' smiling in the pictures. Crepe paper draped the ceiling and a Happy Birthday Banner adorned the walls. Best of all were the cupcake papers that were always filled with the same special candy. Including orange circus peanuts, which amazed me as a child. I really believed that elephants ate these. Even to this day, the sight of Nonpareils, M&Ms, and Malted Milk Balls are instant flashbacks to my Happy Birthday past. I once thought these colorful candies were not only delicious, but were beautiful works of art. (And remember, this is way before I did any drugs).

I was always guaranteed a cake on my birthday. My mother's cakes were great. She knew the best brand of boxed cake mixes to buy:) One of my favorites was her (or should I say, "Duncan Hines") Angel Food Cake. Mmmm mmm good.
When I was in 8th grade I got to go to Sargeant's Restaurant with a friend for supper. That year I got a Lemon Meringue Pie as my Birthday "cake". That was cool.
I think that was the same year my mother had a surprise party for me. Now that was way cool. I remember I got mostly stuffed animals for presents from my friends. It might sound like I was too old for stuffed animals, but I don't ever remember having a stuffed animal as a child, so I was thrilled to get them as a teenager.

OK, so I am way too far down Memory Lane for you to appreciate.
Allow me to saunter just a little bit further.

On my fifth birthday, my mother wasn't at my party. Nana Ball had the privilege of running the event. My mother had gone to the hospital to have a baby. On MY birthday, can you imagine???
The timing was not good. Not only did it take my mother away from me on MY special day, but she gave birth to another daughter on MY birthday.
Ya know what that meant? I now had to share MY birthday with someone.
Someone named "Lisa".

Who was this "Lisa" that dared to take over my role as the baby of the family and why did she have to steal MY birthday?

It took my a while, but I eventually became so proud to say I had a sister with the same birthday as ME.
Lisa is so lucky to have been born on such a special holiday, don't ya think???

Now talk about coincidences, fate, karma, good timing, whatever...
...As I was typing this blog, Jenna brought me the mail and insisted I open the little package from...LISA.

Jenna and I aren't much for waiting, and since I already informed you that I celebrate my birthday for at least a week, I opened the brown paper wrapped parcel.
A lovely lilac box tied with a shimmery silver ribbon was revealed. I opened the box and found a sweet silver and lilac bracelet with three small silver medallions each inscribed with a word:
Sister - Friend - Forever

Deeper in the satin-lined box lay a small card that read:
Sisters care and sisters share
Sometimes they disagree
A sister is a special friend
Forever family

To top off this wonderful gift was a card that read:
Sister -
On your birthday,
I'd wish you all the happiness in the world...
...but I know you'd just turn around and share it with the rest of
us like you always do.

Now if that wasn't enough, Lisa hand-wrote something that touched me even deeper:
Thank you for sharing your birthday with me.
Lots of Love, Lisa xoxo

With tears in my eyes I finished my blog...

Your Welcome Lisa. It was MY pleasure.
Love, Trisha xoxo

P.S. I love you Lisa. Miss you. Happy Birthday (almost).

Can you guess which cutie is me?

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Just Listen

2008-02-21T12:12:00.028-05:00

I'm back...
...but not in full capacity.

Unfortunately I encountered the flu. I'll tell ya, Cancer is not so bad. However, the flu sucks!
It started Monday night. Not too much of a surprise since both Joelle and Jenna got it within days of each other, so I knew it might be a comin' my way.

I got the call(s) from Joelle Sunday night with the list of her symptoms; headache, body aches, vomiting, and mad dashes to the bathroom. She did not spare me the details of her ordeal. Joelle is my clone; my little Sarah Bernhardt.
It has taken me many years to figure out that Joelle just needs to vent...and vent...and vent. I used to think I had to come up with solutions for her, but my good friend Marianne finally got me to realize that sometimes my kids need their mother to just listen.
So, that is what I try to do when Joelle presents me with her drama. I listen.

Don't get me wrong. I still do the "Trisha thing". I sometimes try to give solutions, because it is important for me to "fix" things. But some things cannot be fixed.

Now Jenna, on the other hand, isn't quite as dramatic. She just puts it out there and sometimes I just listen. She certainly let me know she was sick, but she spared me the gory details. She was content with me checking in on her from time to time and leaving liquids, tylenol, and the thermometer.
Jenna has had more experience with knowing that sometimes there are no solutions. Her hearing loss and the many side effects she suffers on a daily basis has provided her with the ability to 'ride out' such things as the flu.

I still try to fix some of Jenna's problems, including constantly researching hearing loss. In this case I refuse to JUST listen. I will not accept that there is nothing that can prevent Jenna from going totally deaf. I will help her to live a better life, so that she can pysically feel better and I will find a reason as to why she is losing her hearing.

As for me, I am sick with the flu and I just want my mother.

My mother took good care of me when I got sick as a child and even as an adult. I could call my mother and be as dramatic as Joelle. My mother would just listen or she would drive to my house with soup or some other special remedy.

I miss my mother. Ovarian Cancer took my mother away from me and I need her now.

I changed my mind.

CANCER SUCKS!

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No Blogging Today

2008-02-16T18:29:00.009-05:00

Due to technical difficulties of my brain there will be a temporary delay in Blogging.

I had an "outburst" Sunday night. Not sure if it was a cry for attention, a hormonal imbalance, or just a chemo combustion of emotions.

The outburst reminded me of my tantrums as a child. My former therapist said it was my way of getting attention as a "middle child".
Some things never change!?!

Anyway, I have lots on my mind. Who doesn't, right?
If it's not cancer, it's another problem.
It's always somethin'!

So, I am going to reflect deeply before putting pen to paper (so to speak).

STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER DETAILS OR NOTICE OF EVACUATION.

P.S. I started writing this entry on 2/16/08, but did not post it until 2/18. I wanted to commemorate my daughter's birthday with a special blog. However, I will save that dedication for another day, when my brain is better and I can give Joelle the recognition she deserves.

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The Middle Child at Fifty

2008-02-14T18:01:00.050-05:00

I'm 'kinda' stuck in the middle right now.
Not really healthy, but not feeling very sick.

I was stuck in the middle growing up with five sisters too. I was also born on a Wednesday. Oh, don't worry, I'm not going down that "Woe is me" road.

Experts say that ones birth order influences their personality. Well I am sure that it certainly confused mine.

While growing up I felt lost in the middle of 5 girls, but to be perfectly honest with you, (because I haven't started lying - yet) it was nice being the middle child...sometimes.

Sometimes...I got to be one of the "big kids". That meant alot of special privileges, like staying up late and eating steak, or going to Paragon Park with Uncle Harold, or staying out after dark over the playground until we heard my mother tap the fork on the kitchen window.

Sometimes...I was considered one of the "little kids". That meant I couldn't go to Mina and Gail's boy/girl parties, or watch Rosemary's Baby, or go to the World's Fair in New York. Even when I was seventeen I was still considered one of the little kids. When it was Friday night (Club Night), my sister's friend Maureen would whine in jest, "Oh, do we have to take the little kids with us tonight?"

Sometimes...I tried to act mature so that I could hang out with Gail and Debbie.
Sometimes...I wanted to do stupid stuff and just have fun with Lisa and Paula.

I almost forgot to mention the many times that I felt exactly in the middle; not stuck, but alone. I wasn't meant to be with the big kids or the little kids. They had each other and I was alone. I wasn't sure which direction I was suppose to take or who's side I was suppose to be on.

Now, here I am, stuck in the middle of being 100 years old and I think I just figured it out. I'm not really all that mature, even though I am suppose to be. Ya, sometimes I act all grown-up and pay bills, manage a home, and even act like a responsible mother. But then there is the little kid in me, who is 'not all that'. She is immature, naive, irresponsible, silly, and way too vulnerable.

But I ask you, "Do any of us ever really feel completely, fully grown-up? Must we be mature and responsible all of the time? And does being silly have anything to do with being old?"

I am not sure we can ever not be vulnerable. As much as we try hard to prepare ourselves for the obstacles in life, we can never predict what is going to happen. Even with the strongest suit of armor, we can never shield ourselves from being wounded.

Being a middle child has given me the best personality of both worlds. I am old enough to realize that I must take charge of myself, including my health. I don't have to decide if I should act grown-up or like a little kid, because I am both. It's all me. I am a mature, responsible, experienced mother, sister, friend and lover. I am a silly, vulnerable, middle-aged woman diagnosed with cancer and planning to fight it with every bit of personality I can muster.

I am old enough to act silly sometimes and not take this cancer thing too seriously.

So, with that being said, "Can anyone come over and play with me when I get better?"

I'm the one in the middle.

BOOST ME BABY!

2008-02-13T09:44:00.026-05:00

Dear BOOSTER CLUB,

Tuesday was my first check-up to see how my body was tolerating the chemotherapy.
My veins tortured Maureen, the technician. She felt so bad that she caused the back of my hand to "blow" as she put it. My veins are very stubborn. My right arm was more cooperative and she got lucky.

The results showed that my hemoglobin was low, which means my red blood cell count was low. Red Blood cells are responsible for bringing oxygen to your body. These red cells provide the energy that your body needs to conduct its business.
Maureen gave me a shot (ouch!) of Procrit, which will give me a BOOST OF ENERGY.

And I thought the TWO Hot Fudge Sundaes at Friendly's on Saturday was the ENERGY BOOST I needed!
Try going into Friendly's sometime and ordering a Triple Scoop Sundae and then order another! My waitress thought I was kidding, but I assured her I needed it "bad". I got a monkey on my back.

The ladies in the booth beside me were cheering me on to have a third!
You see, I had shared a bit of the "C" story with them. When I first sat down, they were discussing ports and I heard the name Dr. Freter mentioned. Well I piped right up and proudly showed them my port and told them that Dr. Freter was my Oncologist too. I think I actually BOOSTED their spirits.

I have to go back to the doctor's (not Friendly's) next week to have more blood tests. By next week, my white blood cell count may be low because that's what chemo does. If the white cells go down below a level that will protect me from infection, I will be given a shot of Neupogen for my next BOOST. It is important to keep the white cell count up, so that my body can fight off infection. It is critical that I do not expose myself to sick people next week.
So, all you "sickos" - STAY AWAY!

Tuesday night I couldn't fall asleep. Maybe it was due to the BOOST of Procrit. Too much energy perhaps? I finally took some medication at 4:a.m. and I slept for a few hours. Maybe God gave MY sleep to Gail. That would be a relief. I hope my prayer helped her. I would surely sacrifice some sleep if it would cure Gail's insomnia.

That reminds me of the last time I asked God for something big.
Last September Paula was getting her Port put in and I was with her in the post-op room. I took her hand and said, "Paula, I wish I could be going through this instead of you." She squeezed my hand and smiled. She clearly did not want anyone to go though this.
I think SOMEONE got my prayer a little mixed up. I SAID, I wanted the cancer INSTEAD of Paula!

I suppose that God already had this on my agenda, so it was probably too late to ask to sacrifice myself for my baby sister.
Maybe I'm suppose to be going through this so that I can feel others pain and be blessed with an understanding of what others are enduring.
...Or maybe I am suppose to enlighten others with my experience.

I am sure that ALL OF YOU are or have endured YOUR OWN pain and sufferring.
It amazes me to know that despite your own personal problems and tribulations, you are reaching out to me and giving me - THE BEST BOOST OF ALL.

THANK YOU

Love,
Trisha

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Triple Tribulation

2008-02-11T21:22:00.004-05:00

Tribulation - Definition: grevious trouble and severe suffering; great misery or distress

I wasn't responsible for naming my blog. The credit goes to Joelle.
I actually didn't like the title, but I couldn't think of a better name so I went with it. I thought it gave the impression that I was paying homage to myself and my Triple Negative Diagnosis, but now I think differently.

Triple Tribulation refers more appropriately to me and my sisters. The tribulation is applicable to all three sisters currently diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My oldest sister, Gail, once referred to Paula and I as the "Cancer Twins". Then Debbie was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and it became the "Cancer Triplets".

Please keep in mind that this reference is made in jest. Maintaining a sense of humor is what makes this experience unique for the "Swanson Girls". Gail would never allow us to take this whole ordeal too seriously. She sincerely knows the meaning of, "Laughter is the Best Medicine".

Gail is the Master of Ceremonies, The Ringleader, the Go to Person. As a nurse, she is well prepared for the roles. She treats oncology patients so she is well versed on the subject of cancer. Even better than her work experience, is her comedic compassion.
***When I was "flipping out" about going bald she wrote me an e-mail stating, "It's only hair. Would you rather be bald for a few months or die with a head of red locks?"
***When I freaked out that I needed chemo, Gail told me that "Chemo is your friend."
***After my third surgery, I came home to a nicely made bed with a present placed at my pillow. On the front of the gift was a card with a picture of a woman with the most delightful expression on her face. The woman said, "I don't know when I have had so much fun."
That's what Gail does. She makes having cancer fun.

Gail is Paula's Mascot, Chaperone, Advocate, Sidekick, Partner in Crime, Nurse, Friend, and Big Sister. Paula calls her, "My Kizzy". Gail is there for Paula, night or day, at the drop of a hat, at a moment's notice. She has complete confidence that Paula can reach her goals. Paula marches bravely alongside Gail. The parade is long and sometimes the route gets convoluted, but Paula, along with her Kizzy, never misses a beat.

As for the third triplet, Debbie, she too has joined the parade. She met with her surgeon today and was told that she needs more surgery. Before she went into the doctor's office, Debbie seemed fearful and I could see the pain on her face. When she came out of the office, she had optimism shining in her eyes. How could hearing news that you need more surgery make you feel better? Maybe it was her surgeon's positive attitude and confidence that helped Debbie. Or... maybe it was Debbie's daughter Kelley. After the doctor left the exam room, Kelley had turned to her parents and set them straight. She demanded they "up" their tempo and start marching to the beat of a different drummer. Kelley's love and concern brought relief and revelry to her mother.

As for me, the middle triplet, I also had an appointment with my surgeon today. She spent a total of 5 minutes with me and said, "I'll see you in 6 months." She was satisfied to hear me say I was feeling well and was pleased to see that all my wounds were healing. I tossed my baton high in the air and silently cheered, "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"

Well, the crowd is dispersing as it is night and the parade is coming to a halt. The Triplet's Tribulation will commence again tomorrow. Gail, the Master of Ceremonies, now needs her sleep.

Dear God,
I ask you to help Gail close her eyes and get the rest that she so deserves. Please revive her as she sleeps, so that she can march on.
Tomorrow there are new routes for the parade she leads, and the triplets need her at her best.

Good Night, God Bless You, Sweet Dreams, We Love You Gail.
oxooxxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooxoooooooxoxoo

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Coming soon to a theater near you...

2008-02-11T07:51:00.001-05:00

The Field Trip has been postponed. I guess that's a good thing.
It's too windy and cold to ride the rollercoaster, so I am asking for a refund on my twenty bucks.
Oh never mind, I guess I will let them keep my money. It seems only fair that I should pay to feel this good.
If this keeps up I will be back to work in no time!

I am still feeling well. The only side effect has been chest pressure which translated to me as an emotional heart ache. But I think in reality it was something not so romantic...indigestion!
Leave it to me to confuse heart ache with heart burn.
I know...I am sometimes a Drama Queen.

I called Dr. Freter last night and relayed my symptoms. I was reluctant to call, but Nurse Robin had said, "Don't be shy." She said to call with any concerns and symptoms. So, being the compliant, sweet, demure person that I am, I called.
I thought Dr. Freter would tell me to get in the car and go to the hospital as I might be having a heart attack. But no, he told me to have someone get in the car and go buy me some Prilosec.

Now it's morning and my heart is ok. I am ok.
However, Greg is not ok. He has been quarantined to Michael's room as he is sick with a fever, body ache and sore throat. Poor baby. I am trying to nurse him from a distance. Throwing the Tylenol into his hand, quickly leaving food on the nightstand, feeling his forehead and then running to the bathroom to wash off the icky germs so that I don't catch his cooties.
Alright, I admit...I am not the nurse of the family. Debbie and Gail have that covered...thank God.
I am the Social Worker a.k.a. Sarah Bernhardt.

Well, there is not too much drama here so I will end this blog early.
I will try to come up with some new, exciting material that will knock your socks off. However, if this keeps up, I might have to start lying. Tee hee.

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Be Still My Heart

2008-02-09T19:21:00.001-05:00

Be still my heart..

I am not sick. I do not feel pain. But my heart aches.
My heart longs for peace from this pressure.
Please lift the brick that someone has placed upon my chambers.

I am anxiously awaiting the gruesome liquids that fill my veins.
Help me to relax and feel a flood of relief.
Melt away the worries within my heart.

My heart is heavy.
Longing to feel love and not to miss it.
Touch my heart so that it can be embraced with the joy of good health.

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Cleaning House

2008-02-08T17:22:00.001-05:00

What better thing to do with my time than to clean my house.
Time to get rid of all that stuff that is useless and taking up space.
Perhaps if I can get rid of all of the junk in my house I can be free of all that is cluttering my mind.

OK, so I will start from the bottom up. The cellar. How does one sort through 200 Rubbermaid containers and try to condense 32 years of stuff into a significant history?

I am on an adventure that begins with opening lids to my past. It is amazing to see what lies beneath and to discover what I once thought to be so important. How could I possibly have found such delight in birdhouses? When did I become captivated by Roosters? Did I really like Lizzie High Dolls?

The clothing department proved to be easy. I only kept size 14s as I refuse to step back in time to anything above a 14.
The linen section was a tearjerker. Sorting through bedding brought back memories of tucking the kids into bed. Jenna's pastel jungle sheets, Joelle's aqua and pink rose petal puff, the guest room hydrangea coverlet warmed me with delightful daydreams of simpler times. I did manage to toss out the sheets that had been saved for homemade tents and rags.

Today I could not uncover the containers marked "Memories" for that has to be saved for when I can savor those glimpses of my past. I know that inside those containers are high school yearbooks, college love letters, book reports and essays, precious home-made gifts from my kids and endless expressions of sorrow, laughter and love. My heart is too vulnerable right now to take that special trip down memory lane. I will look forward to a day when I am too weak to work, but strong enough to endure those bittersweet memories of yesterday.

My adventure ended after about 5 hours. Too much of a good thing...ya know?!
I had accomplished my task for the day. Part of the cellar is now "visiting" the garage. I have marked some containers with orange dots that signal that these are giveaway items. I will give these things a chance to live on in others. One man's trash is another man's treasure...right?
Another pile is meant for the dump. Those things are beyond redemption and have no use.
There is a pile marked for charity, for I know that my former joys can bring happiness to others.
I must admit I have kept certain things because it is not time to let go.

Today, I have only begun to clean my house and to sort through the clutter of my mind. Discovering what is significant and what is useless takes time and energy.

Tomorrow, I will explore new terrain in my cellar and I will continue to uncover what is truly important.

During my recovery, I will try to focus on my health and living a better life. I will clean up my act and focus on the good things I have kept in my life. Things that include good friends and family. Of course, I will alway love my stuff, but the stuff will be put in its place, where it belongs.

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Just another day...

2008-02-07T12:41:00.001-05:00

Just another day, but not in Paradise.

It's just another day in my life, which is good, but so very weird.
I feel the same. I am still me and I actually feel good.
I am beginning to think that the I.V. bags they hung on my pole were filled with water.
This would make sense, because you see, I don't really have cancer.
This is only a dream. A joke. A mistake.

Last November while at work, I received the dreaded phone call. The doctor informed me that my tumor was malignant. The call, the news, the words coming from his mouth did not seem real. I was in shock. I hung up the phone and quickly began telling my closest friends at work. I had this sense of urgency to let them know, because I thought I was never going to see them again. Between tears, I packed up my desk quickly, because I didn't think I would be coming back to work. Hearing the news that I had cancer gave me the sense that my life was ending.

The day after I found out, I stayed home from work and set up office on my bed. I made call after call until I had mapped out my agenda for tackling my next project: Cancer.
Marianne and Joelle were atop my King Size Desk and Marianne watched in amazement as I forced my way into the medical jungle, bypassing authorities that had plans of keeping me waiting in long lines. Joelle was used to seeing her mother in action. She quickly responded to my instructions and was not the least bit phased by my demands. In between her assignments, she was researching my dx on www.breastcancer.org.
My menage' trois ended in the afternoon. The three of us had done all that we could do at that point.
So, the next day I had to return to work because I couldn't call in sick, cuz I wasn't sick. I just had Cancer!

It was just another day at work, but I had Cancer, so how could it be just another day? I was trying to function as normal, but here I was waiting to know my fate. I was so distracted and confused. There were so many tests to have, results to be determined, and courses of action to be formulated. Meanwhile business as usual?!!

Now here it is, two and a half months later and it is still just another day. But I guess that's a good thing. I have alot of answers now and I know my fate, more or less.
I know that I am lucky to have more than just another day here on Earth and I guess I am not ready for Paradise right now.

Heaven will have to wait for just another day...far, far, away from now.

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Rollercoasters

2008-02-06T04:25:00.007-05:00

(This one's for you Leslie)

Chemo School was yesterday and I am already going on a field trip now.
I am so lucky.
I guess the plan is for me to go on a rollercoaster ride. I have a co-payment of $20 to take the first ride this week. Three weeks later I get to take the next ride and so on...til April.

Chemo Class was good. Nurses and staff were excellent. (I think my bribe of pumpkin bread helped.) Met some classmates of all different cancer races; Lung Cancer, Colon
Cancer, Breast CA. Some have been comng for 5 years, some just recently started. I was the "New Kid on the Block". (News Flash: New Kids on the Block may be getting back together.) Oh, and by the way, most of my men and women chemomates were wearing red!

My Oncologist, Dr. Freter, examined me (all incisions are healing well). He then explained the treatment to Greg and me.
Greg and I moved into another room and spoke with Nurse Robin about the treatment and the specific effects of the medication. She wrote notes for me and had a printout of my instructions. She then stuck the needle in my port and hooked me onto my pole, my buddy, my bathroom mate.

The goal is to combat the side effects of the chemotherapy drugs. If I take my medications, balance my electrolytes with alot of fluids, sleep well, eat well, have good oral hygiene, take vitamins, control bowel issues, avoid sick people, get exercise, and keep a positive attitude, THEN I WILL DO GREAT!!!!!!!
This may sound like alot, but I think I am halfway there since some of this had become part of my regimen in 2007. This past years' accomplishments made me ready to face 2008's challenge.

I picked my recliner carefully. I chose two pretty afgans to coordinate with my outfit, and became quite comfortable as I took in the sights and people around me.
My spirits were good yesteday. Joelle and Greg were super. "Princess Pat" was visible from time to time.
I had a slight complication which caused the day to last longer than the expected 3 hours. I arrived at 9:30 and left at 4:30. I had a reaction to one of the drugs, which caused chest pressure. They stopped the drugs and added a saline solution and then Tagamet. They then gave me my "Cocktail" of Taxotere (T) at a very slow pace to avoid serious complications. By the end of the Taxotere I felt better. Then they gave me Cytoxin (C) as the "Chaser".

The roller coaster ride actually started yesterday after my TC treatment. Apparently for the next 10 days or so, I am going to be riding alot of ups and downs. Right now I am climbing the first hill and adjusting to the upward motion. I might experience nauseau, but as long a I take a pill before meals and at bed time I can avoid that. Once I go down the hill I might throw-up, but that too can be avoided by pills.

I might have some feelings of highs and lows while on the coaster, but that's normal and will subside when I stop the ride in about 10 days. Exhaustion will set in at some point and that is when I can crawl under my covers in my safe place and take a nap with no guilt attached. However, I need to try to not get my days mixed up with my nights.

After about 10 - 14 days I should regain my energy. Weekly blood tests will check the counts of my red and white blood cells. As you probably already know, chemo kills bad cancer cells, but it also kills the good cells. It compromises the immune system, which gives you less ability to fight germs and makes you more susceptable to infections.

I have been on roller coasters before and I liked them when I was little. I had fear back then, but the ride was always worth it.
Fear is normal. Riding out the fear is awesome.

I now know what to expect from chemoclass, so the fear is gone.
The excitement is now focused on my rollercoaster ride.
I am prepared to take the ride and am well equipped with all of my safety gear and my wonderful support system.
In three weeks I can go back to chemoclass and see how the others did on their ride.

In the meantime, I can talk to my own friends and family about my ride and their very own rollercoaster rides through life.
We've been on a lot of these rides together. Some fun, some not so fun.
But we have hung on tight and have tried to be there for each other.
We all might want to resort to a slower, safer ride, but well, like we don't always have a choice - do we???!!!

MY LOVE AND THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE RIDING THIS WITH ME, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

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The First Day of School

2008-02-04T20:19:00.003-05:00

It's kind of like the first day of school.
I don't know what to expect. I'm nervous and sort of scared, but believe it or not I am excited. I wonder how well I will do this year. I've never been to chemo class and I am anxious to be on the honor roll. I especially want to do well in conduct and effort. An A+ in Health would be nice too.

Admin told me to come prepared with food and something to occupy my time.
So, I just packed my lunch. I wish I still had my favorite Beatle Lunch Box.
I picked out my outfit, although it is nothing new. No new school clothes for me this year.
I didn't even get a new pair of shoes. When I was little I used to sleep with my brand new school shoes the night before school started. (That's probably where my shoe fetish started!)
I decided to wear a scoop neck red shirt (for easy access to the port), my red high-heeled ankle boots (for the "Sexy Cancer" factor), and my size 14 Jeans (I say proudly). As a kid my mother told me I could not wear red because I was a redhead. So for years I hated red (and hated being a redhead). Well when I turned 50 I defied that old wivestail and wore red with pride and discovered I love red!
Enough about my wardrobe. (Although I am sure some of you can relate to the importance of looking good while being poisoned).
Oh that's right, I am not being poisoned. I am being healed...I am being healed...I am being healed.

I don't get to ride the Big Yellow Bus tomorrow. I can bring one person with me for company and for the purpose of driving me home safely. The faculty is cautious about the germ factor and the privacy of other students receiving chemo.
Greg is driving me and then Joelle is relieving him midway through. I thought I would let them share the glory.
I am also bringing a book. No textbooks, just good easy reading. Jodi Picoult's, Plain Truth, received the honor.
In between the eating and the reading I will be catching self glimpses of my warrior image. I hope my chemomates do not fear the warrior "Princess Pat" as she battles the demonic cancer cells. (That one's for you Nana DeDe.)

The reclining rebels I meet tomorrow and my nurse teachers may become the friends I discover while on this quick stopover in chemo class, while on my journey through Cancer Land.

I'm glad that I won't have to show my parents my report card, but I know my father (a teacher) is smiling from above and saying, "Thats my girl" and my mother is looking down from above and reminding me to wear my good underwear.

Bye for now. I will try to pass you a note during class. If not, we'll catch-up after school. OK?

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Superbowl Sunday - If only...

2008-02-04T09:20:00.002-05:00

OK -
So I ask you... having cancer isn't bad enough? We have to lose the Superbowl? Come on now, is there to be no joy?
I keep saying, "If only the Pats had done this or that. If only..."

I thought that about my cancer too. If only I had gone for an MRI this past year and not waited for my yearly mammogram, maybe I could have had the tumor detected sooner.
The good news is that Dr. Chen said it would not have made a difference in my treatment. If the tumor was found sooner and smaller it still would have been Triple Negative and the treatment would have been the same.
Phew...(Sigh of relief.)
OK... so I am not to blame.
Or am I? Could I have taken care of myself better all of these years? Am I being punished for my sins? Payback perhaps?
Well, no. If that was the case then why did my "good" sisters become afflicted with this disease?
There is no rhyme or reason. Hopefully the gene testing and the gene counseling that I am undergoing will help formulate some answers.
Right now I know that I am doing the best I can.
And I guess the Pats did the best they could at that time.
If the Pats and I could have done better, we would have.
The Pats and I can only learn from the past and improve our future.

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Saturday...

2008-02-03T16:07:00.001-05:00

"Saturday in the park, I think it was the fourth of July."
Well yesterday was a Saturday, but it was certainly no walk in the park and it was February.
I do remember last July. It was an awesome month for me. I think I enjoyed last Summer more than any other in the last decade. Sunning myself at my pool, enjoying Bloody Marys and feeling hip because I knew the artists singing on KISS 108.
It was all good.
But it's not Summer anymore. My favorite season disappeared and it has been replaced with dreary winter. Not exactly the best of weather to lift the spirits when they need it most.
Greg looked at the bright side of this. He said it's a good thing that I am fighting this battle now, so that when I am done I will be rewarded with Summer.
Summer is my favorite season. The hotter the better. I love the smell of grass, going barefoot, feeling the sun on my face...
Most of all I love the ocean. The sound of waves, the feeling of sand between my toes, and taking naps at dusk on Brewster Dunes.
Whether I'm at the Cape or rediscovering Newport, I am in heaven.

It's nice to know that although yesterday was Saturday, and I wasn't in the park, and it wasn't July, I was here.
I am alive and I can look forward to this Summer and all of the wonderful things that Summer and Life have to offer.

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Yesterday

2008-02-02T11:02:00.001-05:00

Yesterday...suddenly it seems so far away.

It seems that only yesterday I was working full time at JH, feeling good and being productive. My fiftieth year of life was good. I was getting in good shape and rediscovering music, friends and fun.
Now, as I approach 51, I am trying to discover new things about myself and my life.

My health is suppose to be the most important thing to me now, but I am not sure how much control I have over my health and my life.
Every day I wake up and try to remember what I am suppose to do today. What medical appointment is on my agenda? Do I have to rush awake and fly off to doctor land or can I sip my coffee under my warm covers?
It's almost best when I have a doctor's appt or a test, because then I know what I am suppose to do.

Yesterday... I woke up knowing I had to take Greg to the hospital for his routine Colonoscopy. (All is good - he is fine.) Caring for someone else felt good. Doing for others has always been my forte.
The tables were then turned when it was Greg and Joelle accompanying me to Dana Farber where we met with Dr. Wendy Chen for a second opinion on my treatment.
She was excellent. Very kind and direct. No pussyfooting.
Dr. Chen examined me thoroughly and explained how a plastic surgeon can reconstruct my breast to match or to make them look like they did before (and why would I possibly want that??!!) or to make them look smaller, younger and better. Now I ask you, which would you select? :)

Dr. Chen explained in detail my type of cancer and the proposed treatment.
I had heard most of this before, but hearing it again at a slower pace, helped.
I have Triple Negative Breast Cancer. My cancer cells are ER negative, PR Negative and HER2 Negative. My cancer cells are not "fed" by estrogen or progesterone, so hormone treatment won't help and I will not respond to HER2 treatment. My cancer has to be treated with chemotherapy.
I had a high grade tumor (Grade 3). My cancer cells are "poorly differentiated". The cells have lost their resemblance to normal breast cells. These cells are fast growing. My tumor was small (1.1 cm) and there was no lymph node involvement, which makes this a Stage 1 Cancer.

In the words of my Oncologist, Dr. Freter:
LEFT BREAST CANCER, STATUS POST LUMPECTOMY AND REEXCISION LUMPECTOMY. CONCERNING FEATURES INCLUDE A 1.1 CM MASS, THE GRADE 3 STATUS AND THE SO CALLED TRIPLE NEGATIVE STATUS...

BASED ON RECENT DATA FROM THE SAN ANTONIO BREAST CANCER SYMPOSIUM REGARDING ANTHRACYCLINES AND NO-HER-2/NEU POSITIVE DISEASE,
I HAVE RECOMMENDED 4 CYCLES OF ADJUVANT TAXOTERE/CYTOXAN (TC). THIS WILL BE ADMINISTERED EVERY 21 DAYS AND WILL BE FOLLOWED BY RADIATION THERAPY.

Now I know.
I know that I will wake up on Tuesday and start my fight.
I will sit in that recliner and envision my tall, svelt, limber body dressed in a scantily clad suit of silk armor including fishnets and a velvet mask over my lower face. A sword in hand to slash the cancer.
I guess that this is suppose to be my purpose.
To fight for my life so that I can keep discovering things.
New music, new friends, new fun.

So... Yesterday looks as though it's here to stay.
Oh I believe... in yesterday.

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Today's another beginning....

2008-01-31T14:37:00.003-05:00

Today's another beginning...
Every day seems to be a new beginning on this journey through Cancer Land.
Instead of being in a port in the Caribbean, like I have been for the past few years, I have a port in my right chest area.
Instead of cruising the Caribbean, I will be cruising chemo.
Swimming with exotic drugs like Taxotere and Cytoxin.
Reclining under bright fluorescent lights, bathing in cures for cancer.

The surgery today was not as pleasant as my past two surgeries. I was "awake" during alot of it due to being under heavy sedation rather than general anesthesia. This was the safest method for the procedure since the surgery was so close to my airways. However, I prefer being completely out of it. In fact, I wish I could be completely out of it for the next six months! Be put to sleep until this is all over.

My second choice is to be wide awake during my journey. I want to capture all of the snapshots of my trip and share the experience with my friends and family through conversation, emails and this blog. I am only at the beginning of my journey and already I have met extraordinary people that are guiding me and pointing me in the right direction.

The best part of this trip is that I do not have to leave my family and friends. They have decided to come along with me. It is not the trip that they would have chosen for me, but they are great travelers. My sister Gail is a great tour guide. She has no map, yet she knows the way. Her experience, intuition, and compassion qualifies her for the job. The pay sucks, but I don't think she cares about the money. My sister Paula has been on this trip before, so she knows the way. She shows no fear and is brave enough to explore new terrain. My sister Debbie has never been to Cancer Land before now. However, she plans to have just a short visit for she is determined to return home, safe and sound.

My neck is throbbing and my mind is overwhelmed. I will send more snapshots and will write more tomorrow. Now, I lay my head to my pillow and hold the hand of my best friend as I drift off to sleep. I look forward to waking up and feeling the love of my friends through emails, cards, phone calls, visits and dates.

A special goodnight to my beautiful daughter Joelle for introducing me to "Blogging" and for being my chaperone on this trip. I love you.

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